The Homeschool Journey

Self Development as a Parent

Steiner said there were three absolutes which every teacher must undertake as part of his essential task of being a teacher: to understand child development; to strive to understand the particular children one is working with; and to work on one's own inner development. These exhortations are as relevant to us as parents and homeschoolers as they are to any teacher in a school. Perhaps they are even more relaxant to us as we are with our children all the time - and many of us are isolated, alone with the children day in and day out. Partners who work long hours can offer limited support - and they need support for the challenges they face outside the home. Homeschooling can seem a lonely and monumental task.

 

And now I am saying you have to do self development on top of all that - where to find the time?!

 

But that is not the kind of self development I am talking about. I am not talking about retreats  or long hours journaling or looking inward. I am not necessarily talking about set times to pray or meditate - though the rejuvenating effects of both these activities makes them not just a luxury - just one more thing to do - but a lifeline akin to breathing! The kind of inner work I am talking about is that which takes place everyday right in the midst of the busiest of busy families. What greater work than to do one's own inner work while changing a diaper, washing the dishes or clearing the dinner room for the fourth time today?

 

I am reminded of a wonderful article I read in Mothering magazine - must have been a good 15 years ago. It was about breastfeeding as meditation, as a time to give oneself up to the needs of another human being and to the moment. To wake in the night and pick up a crying baby or turn to the baby in a family bed is to be in the moment and to surrender. To be able to just give to that baby and be there for her is to learn one of the greatest lessons any human being can learn - that of sacrifice.

 

Sacrifice is not popular these days. You don't read articles in conventional women's magazines about sacrifice - if it is mentioned, it is synonymous with being a doormat, a drudge, an old fashioned and unfulfilled woman. But to truly sacrifice not out of guilt or coercion but out of a free and considered choice is one of the greatest gifts we can give another human being and to ourselves. Only those who are truly standing in their own sense of "I" can sacrifice - anything less is indeed being a doormat. This is something that is so often poorly understood. But I think that most of us can tell the difference when we tune into what we truly feel inside - is this sacrifice given freely or is it done out of guilt? If it is the former, one is left with a feeling of satisfaction and ease. If it is the latter, one is left with a feeling of resentment.

 

There are so many opportunities to make sacrifices as mothers and homeschoolers - giving up a second income, living more frugally, being "on call" all the time - these are opportunities for sacrifice. But they are also opportunities to act not from our center, but from guilt and then resentment. How to cultivate the former and avoid the latter?

 

Many of you will seek answers to questions such as these through your spiritual/religious life. Connection to the Source is a powerful way to ensure one is able to, if not actually walk the desired path, to at least seek where it lies. Working with compassion and forgiveness (especially of oneself!!) and with empathy are powerful tools. Seeking balance - between family and the rest of the world; between one's self and others; between rigidity and chaos; is a daily task, a daily practice. Working out what is one's own stuff and what is one's children's - no further work can be achieved without beginning right there. Looking inside and trying to understand when one acts from fear or anger - and why? Where does it come from - what are the patterns, the ruts, the broken records?

 

And perhaps most importantly, as one warily steps forward on this journey, is to realize that it is the journey itself that is the most important thing of all. The goal is to live a life as well as one can - but it is the journey itself which becomes the goal. Never give up - forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive - and because I know I cannot say this too often - forgive yourself more than you think you possibly can. Be gentle - on yourself. Nothing cannot be forgiven and transformed or redeemed - only our own guilt and stubborn refusal to let go and breathe stands in the way.

 

I am offering a shared exploration of Self Development as a Parent on the Waldorf at Home discussion Forum starting 11 June 2007. I have pulled the ideas for this from a number of sources, mainly anthroposophical. But anyone - from any (or no) religious or spiritual background is most welcome. Indeed, my hope is that people will share their Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, Christian or other practices which help them in their own inner work. And one certainly does not need to be versed in anthroposophy to join, either - I just want to be clear where the source of much of my own inspiration lies.

 

Anyway..... to find out the details of how this exploration will be conducted, please go to the Forum, to the Christopherus News sub forum which is open to the public. I hope many of you will join us in this very important work - and lurkers are always welcome!

Planning For Next Year

So.... I thought I'd give you all a few tips on planning for the next year (and all you Southern Hemisphere readers you'll just have to come back to this blog entry later in the year!). One of my main areas of work as a consultant has to do with planning, helping people think through what their upcoming year or semester might look like and visioning into what needs to be done to get there. Those of you who have my First Grade Syllabus can use the section in there as the basis for much of your planning.

 

I usually start people off by asking them to write out their vision of the upcoming year. I ask them to think about each child separately and to write down the main lessons and other lessons/activities for that year. I ask the parent to then think about goals for each child. Examples might be: A to learn all her multiplication tables; make sure there is more room in the schedule for singing; learn 3 pieces on the recorder; make sure at least one handwork project actually gets finished.

 

Then the parent needs to write down a list of qualities that each child might be challenged (indirectly) to work on in the upcoming year. This doesn't mean that the child will be asked to, for instance, make sure he is kinder to his little brother next year. (though it might). Rather, it might be that the parent decides that Billy needs to learn perseverance. The parent then needs to think through how she can provide opportunities not to grind the child into the dust in the effort to teach him to persevere - but to ensure that he is appropriately challenged (in handwork, writing, chores, music lessons) to learn to persevere.

 

Next the parent needs to look at the children together and the family as a whole to get a sense for the overall balance of the upcoming year. What are the needs of the different children and how might they be met? What are the needs of the family as a whole and how are those needs met? Where might compromises be necessary? Where might sacrifice be necessary? An example is a family with a lively outgoing 10 year old who wants to join every homeschooling field trip and activity possible. But... the 2 year old really suffers if she has to come to too many outings, ride in the car a lot and generally have her weekly schedule upset. It might well be that the 2 year old's needs are seen as more important - and that the parent knows that as she gets older, she will be able to adapt more easily. The 10 year old will have to make due with fewer activities which take him out of the home.

 

And in that situation, it might well be that the 10 year not only learns that family is important and one sometimes has to sacrifice ones own desires for the needs of another person, but that actually too many activities was feeding an imbalance in that child and really, he becomes more settled and grounded by a less hectic social life.

 

Back to planning....

 

So what lessons and activities can be done with both or all the children together? If you have a very large family, it might well be that a lot of homeschooling is done in shifts, with various children put together to play or do lessons together. Or an older one looks after the little ones - and so on. For sure, the larger your family the more flexible you have to be - and the less hung up on the purity of the curriculum and what "real" Waldorf might be. It might well be that the main organizing principle in a large family is "a large family in itself is the learning experience for these children" and what happens, happens. Because really, with a big family it seems to me there are two choices: boot camp or gentle chaos ( or frantic chaos but as that isn't healthy, it's not really a choice!). Either it's Parent as Sergeant or Parent as Helper. Parent as Teacher might not be really possible - at least in extended periods - in a large family.

 

When can you combine your children and teach them together? One thing that many homeschoolers find useful is to not teach their first grader recorder until her younger sibling is in first grade - then the two children are taught together at the same level. This can also work for handwork projects other than knitting - that really is a MUST for every first grader (but you can just continue with knitting in second grade if your other child is then a first grader - they both knit but do different projects). If you're very lucky (!!) you might also be able to do this with math and/or writing/reading. If your older one is "slower" in a skill like math and your younger one is faster, there will be many lessons which can be done together. Just do make sure that the younger one does not miss out on the active and imaginative stage of math and that the older one is, when appropriate, challenged to move from imaginative pictures to abstract thinking. Stick to the "soul lessons" which the story material meets at the different stages of the child's development - but be more flexible with when certain skills (like learning multiplication tables) are addressed or accomplished.

 

Sometimes it is possible to do a main lesson on different levels at the same time. Man and Animal, Building, Saints & Heroes and Geography main lessons come to mind. If, for instance, you have a fourth grader doing Man and Animal and you also have a first or second grader, you can let that younger child join in. She can also do a main lesson book and just focus on  drawing and copying a word or two ((HORSE, EAGLE etc) or a sentence or two while you help your 10 year old write a report. During a geography block on US Geography (or whatever country you live in) all the children can listen to regional stories and go on field trips. The second grader can do some writing if she insists - the kindergartener can draw (and don't worry if she also wants to do some writing - it will probably pass - her natural imitative powers compel her to do what the older ones are doing). Just weave back and forth. And maybe when it's time for that second grader to do her own fifth grade block in geography you either find a different focus or revisit some of what you did earlier.

 

My Curriculum Overview can be very helpful for people to work out what lessons are done when in Waldorf schools and - most importantly - why. Then parents can figure out what the essence of of those lessons and be better able to adapt to family circumstances. And, as homeschooling is not school at home, one will have all sorts of things which will need to be allowed for - Grandma's month long visit; a move; a new baby; your child's passion for horses or ballet. You might decide to do a mini main lesson on horses or ballet - with the help of my Overview you can perhaps see what soul lessons are important for your child at her age and ensure that she gets them - even if her focus is on horses or ballet, neither of which show up in the Waldorf curriculum!!

 

There's so much more to say.... and this blog entry is getting too long. Let me just finish here by saying - make goals but ensure they are flexible. Process is usually far more important than goals when it comes to teaching and parenting - let the goals be guideposts but never let them bind you into a situation where one loses sight of a child's progress and, equally important, set-backs, over time.

 

And do consider getting in touch with me to talk through your plans and visions for the upcoming year! Go to the Consultations section of the Christopherus website for details of what I offer.

 

Happy planning!

 

 

 

 

Isolation or Family?

In the past few weeks I have come across a variety of articles in a variety of magazine which have given me real pause for thought about what is happening in modern American - or perhaps Western - families. In our frenzy to become individuals and to strike out on our own and blaze our own path, there seems to be a growing trend to separate from loved ones and raise children in little cocoons of isolation.

 

An article which really highlighted this for me (and this wasn't even the point of the article) was in last month's issue of Mother Jones (yes, I read Mother Jones - and occasionally Utne Reader though I find its smug trendiness rather nauseating at times). This article was about economic growth and the environment and can the planet sustain what people seem to desire (I found it online here).... It was vaguely interesting but what caught my eye were several quotes from architects and builders about the new "mega-houses" that are the vogue amongst Those Who Can Afford Them. Apparently, there are a lot of Americans out there willing to shell out vast sums of money for houses designed to "suit the dysfunctional family." This is how one builder characterized these houses. And from the way he was quoted - and the non critical way in which what he said was blended into the rest of the article - it seems that this was neither a joke nor an exclamation of horror but rather a simple description of what is.

 

So it's up to folks like me and you to throw up our hands and exclaim in horror!

 

Wow.  A house that is designed so that the people who live in it - parents and children - not a house designed for groups of college students - don't have to interact with one another. The little girl's room has a private karaoke studio, the boys' room has a 28" plasma screen TV in a special secret mini room next to the bedroom. There are two home offices at either end of the house (so even when one works at home one doesn't have to be at home). There is no family room.

 

So I digested that article for a while, thinking about what it symbolizes in  our disjointed, disconnected fear-ridden society... And then while waiting in the optician's office for my son to finish being seen the other day, I picked up a women's magazine and read about the increasing incidence of autism spectrum disorders in children. Is it something like 1 in 10 American children are diagnosed with some sort of condition which fits along this continuum? Sure, there will be diagnosis which some children will grow out of (which points to an increase in adults who know so little about what is normal in children that they see problems everywhere) and many other kinds of misdiagnosis. And there is a well known phenomena amongst doctors of "seeing something" everywhere once it has become well known or carries a lot of interest.

 

But still.... that's a lot of children.

 

So here we have, on the one hand, the American Dream becoming synonymous with isolation - and the American Nightmare becoming synonymous with.... the same.

 

And yet with e-mail and text messages and all  the various do-dads they have on phones, people are more connected than ever before. Yet... are they connected at a soul level? Can the quality of the conversation loudly broadcast in the restaurant or the train possibly be as deep and thoughtful as conversations which happen when people actually have to make time to seek out each other? If I can live my illusion of family life in a house where I can avoid the other people who live there, then am I having to confront what lives in me that separates me from others? Might I not seek the facile quickie-connection via the cell phone rather than have to face my own pain?

 

These are my unformed thoughts that I share with you. I see a vast number of children who find human contact so difficult and who have so many challenges when it comes to "I/Thou" issues. And I see a trend in families each retreating to their separate places in the "home." And I see education, entertainment and so-called socializing being dominated by machine-mediated chatter instead of soul to soul expression. Put it all together and it is a rather sobering and frightening scene.

 

Review: " Beyond the Rainbow Bridge"

Just about everyone who is interested in ways of working with Waldorf with young children knows about Rahima Baldwin's You Are Your Child's First Teacher. But then.... then what? What is another good book to read?

 

I have a number of favorites - and over time I will share them on this blog (if you have my kindergarten book, I list a number of books in there. You can also look on the Resources page on the Christopherus website). I thought I'd get the ball rolling with Barbara Patterson's Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, published by Michaelmas Press and available through all the usual Waldorf book outlets (again - see our Resources page for help!).

 

It's actually kind of funny that I am starting with this book because there's a lot about which rubs me wrong - I am just too much of a New Yorker to sit easily with the rather twee (to borrow a wonderful British word) tone of much of this book. Fairy dreamyland is fine for little children - but presumably the book is written for adults to read and much of the "kindergarten tone" carries into the author's work. Nevertheless, once I get past that, I see an awful lot in this book which is of value to those with little ones at home, from babies through about age 7.

 

There are useful sections on child development and what to expect from children as they pass through early childhood; discipline; the importance of rhythm; and the essential role of play in childhood. There are especially valuable chapters on the twelve senses and how to work with these. This is something that all parents should know about (see elsewhere on this blog where I discuss this).

 

A feature of the book which many parents have told me they especially like is the question and answer, discussion format in most of the chapters. Barbara ran early childhood classes as well as a nursery for many years and she has included the kind of dialog that she must have repeatedly had with parents over the years.

 

The last part of the book includes songs, rhymes, sewing projects, verses and circle activities which Barbara used in her group. This is very useful to any parent whether they keep their children at home or send them to kindergarten.

One Step at a Time

One of the things that often strikes me in the course of consulting with clients or reading through what people say on my discussion forum (or my old yahoo group) is how by making just a few simple changes to their family life, profound differences have been felt. By simply slowing down, ignoring popular admonitions to sign ones children up for every enrichment class and group activity available and just being at home, parents constantly tell me that major changes have occurred in their family. They find that they are more peaceful and less stressed; that the children start to play more and argue less; and that they find that life is generally more peaceful.

 

So my advice to people new to Waldorf, to those who e-mail me, awed at the beauty and profound appeal of Waldorf education and its implications for parenting is: take it easy and just go one step at a time. Waldorf is so tremendously different from accepted and popular ideas about how children learn - what children are - that when someone finds Waldorf and suddenly feel validated by what might have been lurking in her heart for some time, there is a tendency to try to "do it all." Suddenly the house needs to be redecorated and the walls lazured in pale shades of pink and yellow; all the plastic monstrosities have to be thrown out; the TV and video are no longer welcome; and a myriad of other changes seem to all need to be done at once.

 

But be careful! This is still about you - and about your partner and children. You need to make Waldorf work for you and your own family's very special and individual circumstances. You need to slowly live into this new way of being and penetrate its meaning, one small piece at a time. If you rush and think in terms of major make-overs instead of gradual changes, then the danger is that one is simply taking on forms and ways of being without really understanding them. Favoring wooden toys has a number of reasons behind it having to do with open ended play, developing a sense of aesthetics and nurturing the senses. Developing a sensible family schedule has to do with the fact that young children naturally learn best by repetition and imitation and that strong rhythms allow them to learn mainly through their physical bodies instead of through their minds. Emphasizing artistic forms of learning has to do with developing a moral sense in the child, with strengthening his feeling life and encouraging him to be creative. And so on.

 

Waldorf can seem intimidating. And the more one scratches the surface, the more one sees how much there is to learn and how huge this way of understanding children - of understanding life - really is. Working with Waldorf is a process, a process with many small goals.

 

Here are a few things which parents I work with tell me are some of the best small steps toward Waldorf  they have taken:

 

*   Work out a sensible plan for mealtimes in your family. It goes without saying that the television has no role during mealtime when there are children involved. Even music can become just more filler, just another way of avoiding silence. Make sure mealtimes and expectations fit your children and are not simply designed with adult ideals in mind.

 

*   Ensure that there is a rest time - a nap time if the children are 4 or younger - every day. This is a quiet time on the bed for under 7's and in their room for under 12's. This is your time for a rest, too.

 

*   Think about your family's spiritual life together. How do you mark the passing of seasons and various important festivals? Create simple but special celebrations which you can do year after year. Think about how you bring a sense of reverence and awe to your family celebrations.

 

*   Make sure the children have time to play outdoors every day - no matter the weather. Even a short walk is better than being cooped up all day. Make sure the time is as unstructured as possible and that the children have plenty of opportunities to play amongst trees and stones, boulders and meadows, hills and streams - and not just man-made playgrounds.

 

*   Learn about the different stages that children go through as they grow and figure out how you can best protect your child from moving from one stage of growth precociously into the next. Childhood is precious and it is hard to make up for lost opportunities.

 

*  Having said that, rid yourself of any guilt that might be lurking. especially if you used to parent very differently and then discovered that you resonate with Waldorf, give yourself a break. We all do what we think is best at the time and cannot do things which we know nothing about. This also means that if your children are used to behaving in certain ways, it will take a lot of patience and slow small steps to change.

 

*   But getting rid of the tv will have immediate consequences. Gong cold turkey is a lot easier for many folks than endless negotiations about how much tv. Severely limiting children's exposure to tv (and of course computer) will have immediate noticeable effects on their ability to play creatively, amuse themselves, do artistic work and engage with others. But.... expect a period of whining and crying as you transition the tv out of your life!

 

*   Join my Waldorf discussion forum and find support from em and from other Waldorf parents! Join our co-line community of mothers (and one or two dads) who share the joys and challenges of living without tv, getting plastic toys from in-laws, struggling to know what to do when a child doesn't read - and much much more! You don't have to go it alone!

 

 

Let's Hear it for Hats!

It's getting warmer outside - our subfreezing Wisconsin winter is passing into beautiful Spring days of sunshine and balmy temperatures. Neighbors I haven't seen for months have emerged from their winter dens. And children are everywhere - on bikes and skateboards, toddling after Mom, being pushed along in strollers.

 

But there aren't enough hats to be seen.

 

I am a children-need-to-wear-hats freak. Unabashadely and unashamedly so. Young children need hats - shall I say that again - perhaps louder? YOUNG CHILDREN NEED TO WEAR HATS! They need them in the winter and they need them in the Spring and Fall. And though they may not need their felted woollen wonders imported from Demark (where hat wearing by children is a national institution) in the Summer, they still need hats.

 

Why? Why the mania for hats? What new and wonderful Waldorf peculiarity have we here?

 

One issue is that young children do not have a fully developed sense for temperature - their own and that around them - until they are about 8 or 9 years old (yet another hallmark of the nine year change). Until then they are dependent on us to help them dress appropriately. And before someone gives up reading this in disgust, let me assure you all that as the mother of two hat-hating boys, I know that this is not easy. Ripping off the hat was an early acquired motor skill in both my sons - and many an outing was cut short because "if your hat isn't on, we can't stay at the park.".

 

Warmth is one of the most important of the senses and one of the most critical gifts we can give our children is to ensure that they have sufficient warmth - both in terms of physical temperature and inner soul warmth (and of course, there is an important connection between the two). Many anthroposophical doctors speak in terms of a child's body needing to be warm enough to properly receive the soul - and see a connection between insufficient warmth in some (not all!!) children and development of challenges in the autism spectrum.

 

An enormous amount of warmth leaves via the head - joggers know that and skiers know that and so though they may be scantily dressed as they grit their teeth and pursue their sport on frigid days, they will invariably wear hats. And yet on chilly days one can so often see hatted mothers carrying unhatted babies and children along! Why?!

 

So my advice is that no child under one year should ever be without a hat. The little silk/cotton blend hats are probably the best as silk is sensitive to temperature needs, keeping the child warm but not too warm. After a year, no hat inside is fine - but until that second birthday, the child  should have a hat on most of the time - if not all - when out doors. After that, one can use one's judgment - but err in favor of the child wearing a hat! And that means when the sun is strong - heads are incredibly delicate and a young child's hair is no protection against the strong rays of the sun - even on cool days.