The Real Thing

The following article was written by Lisa Marshall, one of our Christopherus consultants and forum moderators. I love what Lisa writes because it is so true! We adults are always succumbing to the temptation to impose our own agendas onto our children - even when we think we are responding to their needs. This is why I always caution parents to "listen into and behind" what their children say. Little ones (and the younger they are the more this is so) are often still experimenting with words and with communication. They are not able to live into the consequences of what they say (or do). And so we adults must, with open hearts and minds, learn to translate what they say and do. This is where the "child led" or "child centered" folks often fail. They think that what children say is what children want. This is not always the case - even when they are teens. Children need guidance to figure out their needs - and this is a long path that needs the wholehearted participation of a loving parent to navigate. It certainly changes as the child grows - and older children and teens need to be challenged to make themselves understood. But this is a long, long process.

The other reason I love this article is because I actually have a similar memory. I was about 8 at the time and I was having a great time - like Lisa - messing around in the kitchen, mixing all sorts of things in a bowl. My babysitter came in and - with what I am sure was the best of intentions - swept away what I was doing and proceeded to help me make a real cake. I can clearly remember the deflated feeling as I watched her and refused her friendly offers to assist. I didn't want to make a cake - I wanted to do what I was doing.

Another place where we adults can inappropriately intrude on our children's free imaginative forces is when they show us something they've drawn or made. Many parents want to analyse what they see or grill their child, expecting coherent and logical explanations of what they have made. But this assumes that all that the child has been imagining is contained within the boundaries of the page. It is far better to say what you see "Ah - there's a lot of dark, dark blue in that picture" thus opening up the possibility for the child to share a bit of what he's done. Or not. It is his picture, after all and his call whether he wants to share his imaginings or keep them to himself.

 

One day, when I was a little girl I was merrily pretending to bake a chocolate cake.  My uncle, with the very best of intentions, went out and bought a real chocolate cake for all of us to share.  I was not a child given to drama or emotional displays but this cut me to the quick.  I broke into tears and just sobbed.  I felt so betrayed and misunderstood.  I was inconsolable and refused even to taste the real cake (which was a big deal because we seldom had sweets).  But he had not understood that it was supposed to be a pretend cake, the pretend cake was all I wanted.  By getting a real cake, he had ruined my imaginative game. 

Now I am a Mother and I constantly see parents making the mistake of making real their children’s pretend play.  Just because a little girl loves to play with her toy horses doesn’t mean it is time for riding lessons.  Running around with a hobby horse between your legs is a far cry from sitting of the back of a live animal.  Often parents end up confused and even angry with their children.  “She loves horses; she told me she wanted lessons.  I can’t believe I spent all that money on riding boots and now she doesn’t want to go anymore”. 

Just recently I made a similar mistake with my seven year old.  Charlie loves sports and sports equipment of any kind.  When we moved to NY he started talking about hockey constantly.  He started playing “hockey” every day on the deck wearing roller skates and using a golf club for a hockey stick and a tennis ball for a puck.  He drew the goal with chalk and used my patio furniture cushions to mark the “rink”.  For his birthday he asked his best friend at school to get him a hockey stick and puck and asked us for skates.  Then he waited impatiently for our pond to freeze.  Charlie is an incredible athlete.  His first time skating and he was whizzing around the ice with his stick and puck.  He dragged his soccer net down to the pond so as to have a goal.  Every day he talked about hockey and played “hockey” by himself as happy as a clam.    

We weren’t about to sign him up for the hockey team but during Christmas break we thought we’d take him to a real hockey game for a special treat.  What were we thinking???  He was so excited to go but his excitement turned to dread within minutes of getting to the rink.  The place was so loud, there were all these strobe lights flashing, warning announcements of the injuries that could be caused by the puck.  His eyes got wide and he said, half to himself, half to me, “Maybe I don’t want to go to a hockey game”.  The game itself was o.k.  He enjoyed the skating and it was much quieter during actual play.  But every time a goal was scored, the noise was overpowering.  At the end the fighting started, it seems it is staged especially for the crowd.  Charlie cried and put his fingers in his ears and even my girls who are 10 and 12 were terribly upset.  After this fiasco it took Charlie a while to find his happy way back to his pretend hockey games on the pond and on the deck.  He has recovered now but boy did I learn my lesson; Charlie was happy with his version of hockey, he didn’t need to experience the real thing

Comments

[Rebecca]

I love this entry! It reminds me of something similar we did for our son last spring. We'd been reading the Thornton Burgess books since the fall and in the spring we were headed to MA to visit family. We noticed the Thornton Burgess Society located in East Sandwhich, MA not too far from the relatives we were visiting. We decided to take a side trip, stay in a hotel, and visit the Thornton Burgess Museum. After we took the kids there (my oldest was almost 6) and experienced story time and the other events they had there my husband and I realized how unnecessary the whole adventure was. The museum and the way the storyteller told one of the Thornton Burgess stories did NOT match my son's inner picture. He was really disappointed! We really learned our lesson about having to see the "real" thing.

[Jen McManus]

thank you for this entry. When our son was 3 he constantly found strings and rubber bands wrapped them around something like a piece of cardboard and voila! a "banjo" that he played like a rock guitar (don't ask me when he has ever seen a rock band.) This simple instrument could be made anywhere almost and then we would have the cutest concerts. On his 4th birthday grandma asked if it would be OK to give him a real guitar. Acoustic of course. To which I said "NO!" several times as she insisted he would love it. I asked her please to save it for when he was maybe 9. She gave it anyway. He did love it. I allowed him to play with it for a few weeks then it mysteriously disappeared. He will soon be 5 and the "banjo" has sadly never returned.

[Stephanie]

This is a great point. My daughter,8, loves to dance. She prances about the living room, ballet-style, with no inhibition at all. She does it at weddings and other family events. I have asked her a couple times if she would like to take dance lessons. She says, "No Mom, I already know how to dance." So true....