The Homeschool Journey

When A Child Kills A Pet

(this is a post from our discussion forum. The thread was from a distressed forum member whose 3 year old son killed their pet rabbit. She was concerned that he did not seem to show any remorse and that he showed interest in cutting the dead animals eyes open.  The thread elicited great warmth and support from forum members eager to assure this member that her son's reactions were quite normal.)

 

 

Oh dear. Poor bunny, poor boy, poor you.

I echo what Forum Member X says - have a simple burial for bunny to say good bye. And then it's closed. If your child mentions it - fine. But don't bring it up again.

Your little fellow is WAY too young to be trusted with a small animal. No child under about 6 or 7 - and older for some - should ever, ever be left alone with a small animal. Impulse control is just not a feature in little children - and less so in some. You know your boy can be rough so he has an issue here.

I do not say this to rub your nose in this - but so often people think tiny children can do more than they should ever be expected to do. Even if your son was never rough with his sister, it is putting a huge burden on such a tiny child to give him responsibility which is too heavy to carry. I say all this gently though it might sound harsh. I do not blame you - but now you know.

I actually think the best thing would be to get a new bunny. In this way your son will not carry the doubt about himself in relation to an animal like this. And words are no good in such a situation - he has to experience that he can indeed be around - appropriately - small animals without harming them. He needs to feel carried by his parents so that he does not have to inappropriately rely on capacities which he cannot - and should not - have developed to ensure the animal's safety and his own behavior.

You must ensure that the rabbit's cage is such that your son can never get it out by himself - he must always ask. And do not expect that just because you tell him he must ask and he says yes that this has any bearing on his ability to do what he said - as a society we place way too much value on what comes out of a small child's mouth. We must instead hear and feel behind what a tiny one says and hold the space for him or her because they are not able to do so themselves - not yet. We must hear that by saying yes in such a situation that the child sincerely wants to do the right thing - like all little ones - but cannot yet. And that is where the parent steps in. It is unfair and totally out of touch with the realities of child development to expect that a little tiny child can monitor himself, has the awareness of self, ability to control impulses and self awareness to be able to do this - or that a small child in any way should have those capacities.

However, popular parenting advice is riddled with this kind of advice which goes by the Orwellian name of "gentle parenting". To my mind putting such a load on young children is anything but gentle.

So get that bunny and just take him out to play from time to time. While you hold him, say things like "what a soft and gentle bunny. See how we must stroke his fur like this? We must always be gentle with bunny." Let your son hold him if he asks - but only while sitting down so if bunny wriggles and your boy lets go - again, perfectly understandable - bunny won't have far to fall.

Your son might not want to touch the bunny. That's fine. Don't push. Just play with the animal yourself and if your boy comes to watch just murmur softly "hello bunny. This is your new home. We know how to be gentle and care for you." Your son might even come and hit the rabbit - this might be a way he is punishing himself for what he did - and a gesture of "help!" to you. Do NOT get emotional or alarmed if something like this occurs. Just stay centered and say "here, sweetie, this is how we pet the bunny" as if it never happened. Take your little boy's awful feelings about himself and what happened and transform them.

If your son says anything like "I killed the other bunny" you can say "Yes. That was sad. But now we will be able to care for this bunny and you will know how to be gentle with him." One doesn't want to cover up or pretend something didn't happen - but one also needs to take the emotion out of it (because such a young child can't) and transform it into a healing possibility. This rabbit remains in your protective sphere.

As for cutting its eyes open - very normal reaction. Don't buy into it - it is a way of covering up, perhaps his own attempt to push away the hurt. He might also know that this gets a rise out of you and does this to diffuse the situation - and of course all of this is absolutely unconscious. There is no "bad" or "good" here. You do what needs to be done - and never get into his stuff. If he cannot yet show the "right" emotional response, then you do it for him (whilst never pointing this out to him). There are many cases where children of this age seem to not react even to the death of a parent - please always remember that children of this age do not have a sense of "I" and therefore cannot be compassionate in the way which we adults might expect. By 7 or 8 he will be on the way.

Which doesn't mean that young children don't do things which look like compassion and even selflessness - but I would say that they are imitating. They are feeling and acting - but not out of self, rather out of what those around them do.

__________________

Daddy Central

Here's a post from my old yahoo group on a popular question : how to cope with the chaos that Daddy's daily arrival home wrecks on the peaceful pre-bedtime routine?! How to honor Dad's need to see his children - and their need for him - whilst still preserving critical rhythms which support the children's healthy early bedtime and the parents need for couple time?

 

Of course it has to be "Daddy Central" when your husband come home, Member X! What an exciting time of day - sounds just great - because it's not just centered around the girls - it's centered around the important daily celebration of Dad coming home.I don't know how old your children are but something to think about in all this is that at some point in the evening while they are still up, it could be good for them to see that you and he need a few quiet minutes to talk together. Here is a point where they experience that though they are important, you and your husband's relationship is important too - that Daddy is as special to you (and you to him) as they are to the both of you.

 

Once he gets in the door and everyone jumps on him etc, organize things so that he then helps you quite them down. You need to talk this through with him so that you and he are on the same page - on this and  everything else to do with parenting, hopefully! This can be tricky! Dad might want to play and unwind as much as the children do! One possible cue (that you and Dad have worked out together in advance)could be like this:  At just the right moment you say, "Daddy and I need to check in for a few minutes and then we'll be back to you".

 

They can play in another room - and really, at first maybe for only 5 minutes so you and he can talk for a moment - and it will take time and perseverance to do this - they are not going to be willing at first! And obviously, if he gets home late and they are very little, then this is not realistic - this can be saved for a weekend perhaps. As Member X mentioned in her post the other day, it is vital for parents to maintain and cherish their bond together - absolutely, absolutely!! And isn't it important for our children to witness that?It may be that this few minutes of checking in between you and your partner takes place during dinner - that after everyone has had a chance to share their news that you say to the children, "OK - now it's time for me and Daddy to talk for a bit - you may listen". It is good for us to model conversation for our children. This is not aboutVictorian 'children shall be seen and not heard' - it's practical Child Rearing 101! How can they learn if they never get to experience how adults talk and listen and share? And if life is not centered on them but rather includes them, then they need to see how we talk with another adult. It is important for them to listen in to all that interesting grown up stuff (within limits) and soak it all up and to see that they are not the only important ones. How much easier it is for a little person to relax into life when she or he isn't center stage all the time!

 

Another important consideration here, though, is time. What time is it when Daddy gets home? If it's not until after 6 or even 7, it may well be that eating together is a laudable but impossible goal. Obviously it is ideal if a family can eat together - but work schedules do not always allow for this. And though some people will try to simply adjust the children's sleep schedule to accommodate this (late to bed and late to rise) this will not work for everyone. There are a significant number of  children whose body rhythms dictate that they are tired by early evening and that they rise not long after the sun. This is a really healthy thing - do you really want to mess with it? The human body, like every other living thing, has real and discernible rhythms - and rhythms are a key to good health.

 

And is it really worth it if your children are cranky, whiny and miserable because they are utterly exhausted? It is unfair to expect them to behave well under such circumstances. What benefit is it to anyone in the family to sit through excruciating meals with horribly tired children?

Again - not all children are like this. Some adapt well to having their internal clocks moved to suit adult schedules. You will know - if the children are miserable and unpleasant to be with, it is likely that they simply cannot adjust. Have a look whether they truly are able to sleep late in the morning as well - children under 4 need about 12 hours of sleep; 4 - 6 about 10 hours; 7 and up around 9 hours. (And teens also need about 9 hours of sleep - they also get cranky and horrible - but that's another story!!)

 

If this is the case in your family, can you try to feed the children first and get them bathed and in their jammies before Dad gets home? Then when Daddy arrives there is 5 minutes of rough housing. Don't let this go too long as it can become impossible to calm the children down again. And, unfortunately, there are a significant number of children who simply cannot handle pre bed time exuberance, no matter how brief. They spiral out of control and cannot then get to sleep. They need Daddy t arrive home peacefully and quietly - quite an exercise in self control for a husband to take on!

 

Assuming the children can handle some "Daddy Central" time, Daddy needs to be aware that he is responsible for transitioning to quiet time and to bed. Once play time is over,  he can start to quietly hum a soft song whilst "putting the house to sleep" - closing curtains, dimming lights and then quietly taking the children to their bedrooms (or to the family bed). He reads or tells a story, says a verse or a prayer and sits with them for 10 minutes while they fall to sleep.

 

In the meantime, Mom cooks dinner for herself and her husband.For many couples, this solves it all - children see Dad, children get to bed at a decent time and get the sleep they need, dad gets to have a special time with the children, and parents have precious couple time.

 

Helping Little Ones with Manners

Here's another reworked post from our Waldorf at Home discussion forum.... If this is a topic which interests you, do consider purchasing my talks on Good Manners and on Talking Pictorially to Young Children for more practical help with this! The following is my response to a post from a member who asked a number of questions about what she should expect from her children (under 5 years of age) in various social situations.

 

 

I think it's right to want one's children to be pleasant to be with - and I wish all parents thought about that! There are a lot of folks out there who seem to think there's no problem when their children are anti social - either thinking that it doesn't matter or that "that's what kids are like." Neither is true. All children like to be pleasant to be with - we are, after all, social beings. But it takes a long term for children to learn how to be social - and longer for some than for others!

However.... everyone has different parameters here - and that's where the confusion can start. I think that tiny children who are shy should not be expected to say thank you etc - but that it is quite right for the parent to say it to the person for them. As they get a little older, you could start to whisper to them (perhaps bending down to them "shall I thank Granma for the present or will you?" Or - "Let's thank Granma together" and playfully trying to do it.) Sensitive adults should see that your children are shy - but I do think it's important that they are seen as participating in good manners in some way - it could be that you pick each one up as you thank the person - they are thus participating via you.

I think the whole kissing and hugging issue is very sensitive and very difficult. Part of me (despite a part Jewish part Italian very huggy and kissy family) thinks it's awful to submit children to that ordeal. On the other hand, on the rare occasions when I brought my sons (brought up in the UK where people stand about a mile apart when expressing gladness to see each other) to NYC to see the family, I figured it wouldn't kill them to be kissed and hugged and thrown around and generally passed from hand to hand by my enthusiastic relatives. OK - they were a bit shocked by the end of it - but they survived - and they learned something about the other side of their family.

So there's a lot of cultural issues here - very hard to navigate.

As for the play thing.... stop talking and start doing!! You need to keep them fairly close during those times that such squabbles are most likely to develop and get right in there and show them how to play. Remove the toy from the offender. Give it back to the one who had it stolen. Take the offender away from the situation and go peel carrots with her in the kitchen. Accompany her back and hand her a new toy - if she insists on the old toy, take her back to the kitchen. If she cries and screams - let her. It is ok for children to cry. There's a bit of an AP (attachment parenting) thing against crying which sneaks in, inappropriately, to the post-baby years. Letting a baby cry it out in a crib - I also could never do that and don't think it's healthy. But as the child grows, if she needs to cry out of frustration or anger, that's ok. She has no other way to express herself - and does not need another way until she grows into an ability to start to express her feelings - and that kind of self awareness should not come at such an early age. Many of us fear our children's strong emotions, feeling somehow we are failing them if they rage or cry. Thus so many parents try their hardest to teach their children various skills so that they can speak and name their feelings. But I would say that this is actually far more harmful than letting the child cry or rage. By bringing her precociously into self awareness (which is  what one needs in able to name ones feelings) then one is shortening the pre intellectual stage of consciousness of the young child, the stage of oneness where there is no true sense of "I". These are the years of working and learning via the physical body - and physical responses from the child such as crying and screaming are part of that.

As for the whole apologizing for hitting her sister thing, I would just say simply but firmly to the child in such situations "No - that's not ok." Remove her. Then later on, help her do something nice for her sister (redemption - always redemption). At 3 1/2 she is too young to do this on her own. So you say "We're going to draw a nice picture for your sister. She felt bad before when you hit her." No recriminations, no guilt, no therapy-speak, no fuss. Simple fact - this happened, this how we make it better. Even if she does not cooperate - you do it. You are still powerfully connected to your little ones and what you do influences them. You give the other child the picture in the "offender's " presence - and in her hearing say "This is a card from X. " You don't even need to explain. They know.

I think part of your quandary, Member X, might be a missing piece from the modeling/ discussion thing - it's the physical aspect. Little ones need to be picked up, handled, moved from one place to another, removed from situations, held when they scream etc etc. This is scary - and hard. But without it, one is forced into discussion with them - and we all know how useless that is. And you have discovered the limitations of modeling - it is important what we do, but when the child is in a state of anger, is out of herself, she can no longer copy our behavior. She needs the parent to provide a physical response.

__________________

Steiner and Breastfeeding

(Here's an excerpt from an interesting thread on my discussion forum about Steiner and breastfeeding)

 

 

Steiner never talked about things like breastfeeding per se - he talked about the development of the human being - it has been up to other people to interpret what he said and to apply it to various situations. He had many things to say which became the basis of anthroposophical medicine, curative education and, of course, Waldorf education. Out of these initiatives has come various ideas about breastfeeding, co-sleeping and other things to do with babies.

Steiner talked about the beginnings of the emergence of the "I" at about 3 years of age. This is seen by the child referring to herself as "I", usually for the first time as well as the emergence of the memory and the first whispers of separation of the child from the mother. The Madonna's Cloak now fades away.

Other than that, one can take Steiner's powerful picture of the tiny child being wholly open to the universe and being like a sponge in terms of sense impressions to judge what might be right and healthy for her. And one major piece that he talked about - and which I bang on about at regular intervals - is the great need for physical and soul warmth to ensure the child incarnates properly.

So I add these things together and when I hear something like what (List Member X) says about weaning when the child turns her head away from her, I get concerned.( To be honest, I haven't heard that one before.) It seems to me that taking this picture of the baby as a sense organ and needing soul warmth, that extended breastfeeding (ie at least up to around the child's first birthday) makes a lot of sense. And, of course, things like slings, carrying and the family bed all seem to me to be part of this. But.... there's a funny streak amongst many Waldorf early years people which frowns upon all this....

What I have heard is the idea that when the child is able to walk away from his mother, somewhere between 9 and 12 months, that this is a good time to wean. This actually affirms the observations I made when I ran early education and Mom and Toddler classes many years ago. If a baby was weaned somewhere between 10 and 14 months, it was usually no fuss and almost seemed as if the baby didn't notice. It flowed with her increasing independence and moving away from Mama. But if one delayed past that time, one was usually in for the long haul - 2, 3 or 4 years of breastfeeding. This seems to be because of the child's growing awareness of her surroundings - the breast becomes a possession the child does not easily relinquish.

Now - I make no judgments here. I weaned both my sons during this phase with no problems. This was my choice - I did not want to breastfeed any longer and this time seemed to work well for my boys. We co-slept until the eldest was about 7 - the youngest stayed in the bed until he was about 9. This seemed really important for all of us.

Some woman choose to wean earlier, some later. I think that if the woman is clear about her needs and the needs of the child and doesn't get these mixed up, that there is a wide range of "best time" to wean. Many little ones definitely need to go beyond the cut -off I mentioned. No problem.

Back to "what does Steiner think" - or, I should say more properly, what does anthroposophy suggest out of its understanding of the human being - I see 3 years of age as the major change point. Before that? I think only the mother, with her deeply attuned sense of intuition of what each of her different children needs, can say. However, there are pointers which people can miss if they don't know about them - thus I mention this 10 - 14 month phase.

Caring for a Cat

(I am now starting to put selected posts which I have written on my discussion forum here on my blog... I can't re-print the whole conversation which we have, but just a few snippets here and there which I think others will find useful. The following was about how to involve very young children in the care of a household cat)

 

 

I do think that lots of animal stories can help - and also stories about your cat in particular. Involve the children in kitty's care - "look sweetie - see how kitty purrs when we pet her? When she arches her back like this, she's telling us how much she likes us. Can you arch your back?" Help them enter into the cat's experience by imitating and "being" the cat (to some extent). "Can you purrrr..." "Here let me brush your hair gently just like we brush kitty." And so on. Tell them little stories about how your kitty was born - how you got her and brought her home... tell them little stories about a cat that lived in a family with two children and how kind the children were to the cat... and always, always, always use imitation when interacting with the cat around the children so they can see. No mention of negative stuff - just model and tell strories about the right way to handle a cat.

Telling such tiny children "not to" won't work - they don't have the inner experience yet to use such information. They are experimenting - kitty does interesting things when they are "mean" to her. And though they can know that it is not ok to hurt kitty, their "meanness" is not introspective, is not arising out of a moral basis - so it can't really be termed "mean".

This is not in any way to say that it is ok for them to hurt the cat! But what it does mean is that you will have to be extra vigilant and make sure that you are right there so that kitty does not get hurt. And it might mean you need to put the cat out more or close her into a room where they can't get at her - if you would not know that they did this. You have to both protect the animal and be preemptive to avoid them hurting her.

If you put the cat out and the children ask for her to come in, you can say something like "Kitty would like to come in - but only if we all have our gentle hands on. Can you show me how you use your gentle hands?" etc. If the "rough hands" start to be used, then kitty must go back out (or into another room) and you need to say something like "Oh dear. Looks like you forgot your gentle hands. Kitty needs to go away now. She doesn't like rough hands."

Good luck - this could take a lot of energy on your part - but in the end it'll be worth it!

__________________

A Bit of Benign Neglect

Sometimes parenting can get so intense that one comes to a realization that something has gone wrong, that all is not quite right. One can become aware of feeling suffocated, that one's sense of autonomy and one's center has been misplaced.

 

One thing which can quickly distort parent/child relationships is when a child (or children) becomes the center of the adult's life and world. All waking thoughts, all adult conversation seem to center around What She Did Today. The child has become All, has become the reason for everything that is done in the family, from how the house is decorated to what we eat to what friends we have.

 

I'm sure I have thoroughly confused a lot of you. Many of you are surely thinking "Hang on - she's pro staying at home with children! How does this work?!" Yes, indeed - I am strongly in favor of mothers staying at home with their young children and mothers or fathers with their not so young children. I'm in favor of homeschooling - got to involve parent and child at home together - and a decision having been made that this is what's best for the child - right?!

 

Yes. But - a clarion call here at Christopherus has to do with family - not a collection of individuals - but the synergy of the family and how its needs are best met. If homeschooling is right for the family, then it will be right for each individual, children and adults alike. And if homeschooling is best for one child and the others go to school, then that could be fine too - as long as this works for the family overall. And if not.... well then some sacrifice might be in order. Who is sacrificing what for whom - well, that can only be revealed by the dynamics and destiny questions in each family.

 

Back to sacrifice - yes, staying at home with a small child can indeed be a sacrifice in many ways for a mother. And choosing how to run a family, how to decorate the home and what foods are eaten are all vitally important. But if she has done this willingly and in full conscious understanding that this is what she feels is best for her child, then she has an opportunity to embrace that sacrifice not as the act of a martyr but as a step toward personal growth. These decisions are made because this is what is best for us all at this point in time - not merely because this is what the 2 year old needs and the rest of us just go along with it. This isn't the same thing at all.

 

If that mother feels positive about her choice and has accepted the painful journey of a stay-at-home-parent, then she will be more able to navigate the difficult path of living day in and day out at home with small children. And this is where we get back to my starting point.

 

If one is feeling martyred about staying at home with a child, then it could well be that one is more inclined to seek an outer reason for one's martyrhood. The obvious prize in such an example could be the child herself. Here I am all day long at home, bored - there had better be a good reason for this...yes - my child! So I shall make sure she Gets The Most from my being at home...

 

And thus is laid the way toward a child becoming the center of attention and the child/parent relationship becoming skewed.

 

I am being rather cut and dry about all this - there are many nuances and situations which will lend a million different shades to each decision to stay at home with one's children....But in general I feel that if the staying at home itself - the desire to make a home and carry the hard work of a homemaker, is the central factor behind such a decision, then the mother will be able to carry her homemaker work in such a way that the children will not be central - but will just be a part of it. They will bask in the warmth and health of an ensouled home and a mother who values her work and her choices and (it hardly needs saying) in the other parent appreciating and also valuing this choice and this work!!! Key idea here: choice. Not tradition or "better had" or "he says I must" - free, considered and conscious choice on the part of the adults involved.

 

Children raised where the mother is completely engaged with her task of creating a home are blessed because, while they are an integral part of the home and family and the mother's all-embracing consciousness, they are not burdened by being the center of the universe, the reason for why and what a parent does. Such children can even be forgotten about a bit every day as the mother goes about her tasks - and this is where the value of a bit of benign neglect comes in!

 

Instead of being under the microscope, the children are simply "part of." Instead of being why or what is done, they are just part of the consideration. Instead of feeling the the parent's need for the child to fulfill whatever criteria - and however well intentioned - the children just live and grow and are part of the family.

 

There's a huge difference here! To be the center of an adult's world is so unhealthy, both for the adult and for the child and certainly for their relationship! What a heavy load for a child to carry to know on some level that every choice and decision in the household centers around him! What a challenge to live in a situation where it can seem that the sole reason the two adults involved came together was to raise him! How damaging to a child's emergent sense of Self to be unable to find his Self in relation to a healthy centered adult because that adult is busy finding her Self in relation to him!

 

Many educators in Waldorf Early Years circles are very suspicious of attachment parenting precisely because they have experienced so many mothers who lose themselves completely in their baby whom they have placed at the center of their world. I too have seen this unhappy and unhealthy situation many, many times. But I feel that this is not the fault of attachment parenting per se (by which I mean the work of Jean Liedloff) but of how that work has been revised and has developed. Liedloff's ideal was definitely benign neglect - that baby in a sling should be worn as Mom goes about her everyday important life. In the people Liedloff studied, the sling was both convenient so Mom didn't have to fuss and stop her work to feed or comfort her baby and also was the best way to bring the child into the consciousness of the tribe.

 

While I believe that modern Western people do not have tribal consciousness, I do believe that such an example of benign neglect - Baby As Outerwear - does much to help modern mothers from relating to their babies (and then to their small children) in an overly "I" centered way. To be constantly referencing the young child in family decision - even if one does not consciously involve the child - is to bring her inappropriately and immaturely to a sense of Selfhood. Baby As Outerwear means the baby is there, is with Mom at all times, within her loving and caring aura. But Baby As Outerwear is not being directly addressed - she is simply "part of". She is a part of the healthy nurturing life that her parents create. Her "I" is allowed to mature slowly whilst her mother does not lose her "I", part of the root cause of feeling alienated and without center that so many mothers at home can feel.

 

And yes - there are pitfalls here - one can quickly leap from Baby As Outerwear to Baby As Discowear and think that babies can be worn to all and sundry adult events. But to think that is to forget those conscious decisions one made when choosing to bring a child into the world ion the first place and why one feels that creating a nurturing home is important. Not overstimulating young children is absolutely paramount to their health and growth - and thus we return to the ensouled home. And that is where we find Mom - wearing her baby, peacefully working in the home and where, via her calm peaceful centeredness, she is able to maintain her bond with her children without making them the center of life. Her "I" is strong in its knowledge that she has freely made a right choice and the children's "I" are not prematurely called upon.

 

 

Christopherus Family Camps

Christopherus is growing! Our work is expanding and deepening on a number of different fronts - I would lie to share one of these possibilities with you.

 

We are currently exploring the possibility of hosting a Early Years Family Camp in Wisconsin this June. This would be a pilot to see how well the site suits the work, how the camp works and what the needs of families are. This pilot project will be limited to 10 families - in future we will look toward larger camps. We are also limiting this pilot to Early Years only - so it is open only to families who have children under 7. Assuming we go ahead with this project, we will let you all know the details when they have been settled upon! Do e-mail me at donna@christopherushopmeschool.org for details and feedback on this.

 

As of summer 2009 we would like to explore the possibility of further camps. Ideally we would have a number of farms in various parts of the country (and perhaps Canada) where Christopherus Family Camps and possibly even Homeschool Intensives would take place. Do you have a farm or know of one which might be suitable? Here are the ideal specifications:

 

* A mixed  (animals as well as market garden, fruit, arable crops) biodynamic or organic farm within 1 hour from a major city

* At least 1 large indoor all weather space which could hold all participants (could be a clean well lit barn or pole shed)

* Swimming, hiking and possibility of other seasonal activities

* Farmers to be familiar with Waldorf education

* A willingness to include families in farm activities which I would coordinate and at least initially direct

* Interest in holding camps several times a year so families could experience seasonal changes.

* Space to camp for up to 25 families. Possibility of winter camps.

 

As someone with over 25 years of mainly working on the land with children - on city farms, in Camphill, on our own farm, on an anthroposophical intentional community - I have abundant experience of planning, coordinating, supervising and undertaking such a project! Here's a link to a few photos showing some of the work we used to do on our farm a number of years ago: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/farm_visits.htm  (that's me in the red jacket squatting by the pig and in the grey jacket watching the child cover potatoes she'd planted - oh and I'm holding the chick but there's not much there to see of me!!)

 

Paul and I are in the process of working out the core values which would inform such work. For now, we leave you with this vision:

 

* Dedication to working out of the healing impulse of Rudolf Steiner's indications on the development of the human being, taking from established Waldorf Early Years Education, Waldorf Schools and Curative Education where necessary whilst also imbuing our work with a healthy dose of knowledge arising from our own unique experience.

 

* Belief that the new generation of children have challenges and tasks completely different from previous generations and that a new impulse, grounded in anthroposophy, needs to arise to meet today's children. Work on the land, delayed academics, an utterly integrated approach which speaks to the whole child and an acknowledgement that the limitations of the classroom cannot meet the needs of all children, inform our work.

 

 

New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year to all of you! Let us hope and pray that 2008 will be a decisive year of steps toward healing the often overwhelming pain and darkness in our world.

 

Here at Christopherus, we like to think that one tiny and humble step in that direction is helping parents on their journeys to more conscious and healthy parenting - and homeschooling if that is the path they have chosen. A major part of this is offering suggestions and sharing experiences which can help a parent on her path of self development.

 

To this end, I have decided to share a few simple New Year's Resolutions with you all. These four resolutions - or intentions - are, for me, affirmations of steps that I know I need to constantly recommit to on my own journey of self development as a parent. Perhaps they will be helpful to you as well.

 

Number One - listening. I need to listen. To listen into, to listen directly, to listen behind. To listen within and to others. I need to listen more and speak less. I need to listen with the warmth and compassion which helps people - children and adults - speak what they need to say. I need to listen more to my teenage sons - without censure or judgment or fear. I need to listen to those I disagree with without letting my disagreement predetermine my thoughts. I need to listen without my emotions getting in the way and thus preventing me from truly hearing what is offered - instead of getting caught up with my reaction to those words. I need to listen to others and never let past experiences color what they say right now. I need to listen to my own inner wisdom - to learn which is my Voice of Wisdom and which is my Voice of Fear. I need to take words at face value - and to also be able to hear what lies behind, unspoken.

 

Number Two - separating my "stuff" from what others bring. I need to always be able to discern what is my stuff - my reactions, fears, childhood yuk, past experiences - which come barging in when a situation arises, through conflict perhaps, and which gets in the way of discerning what is another person's stuff. When I feel anxiety or anger at something one of my sons do, am I reacting to my own patterns, my own expectations and fears or am I truly embracing his experience and who he is? One major role of a parent is to hold and transform experiences for young children when they are too young to do this themselves - gradually one needs to let go of this and let the young person transform pain - successfully or not - by himself. The parental hand is still there in a gesture of love and support - but needs to know when to restrain itself and not infringe wrongly on the teen's growing sense of independence. When I confuse my "stuff" - when I cannot be clear on what my son really needs and what he needs to learn, then I am not able to give the appropriate gesture and I will probably turn away from him in anger or nag at him in fear.

 

Number Three - forgiving myself and others. Forgive, forgive, forgive. The spiritual implications of forgiveness are unsurpassed in their grace and ability to truly free us as individuals and as humanity together. I must remember this - I must not hold on to grudges or nurse scenarios of hurt, carefully prodding the anger to feel again and again the pain like the satisfying pain of an injured tooth which the tongue cannot resist touching. I can free myself of this need and forgive others and myself. I need to recognize that being the Martyr is selfish and helps no one, not myself, not other people.

 

Number Four - laughter and humor. When it all gets too earnest and too heavy - when my need to be steadfast in my resolutions threatens to turn me into a sour old bag - or, horrors, a self righteous old curmudgeon - I need to remember to laugh! When my son throws his coat on the table despite being told one thousand times not to, I can get angry - or I can attack him with his coat in a moment of play. I can laugh when meetings get painful. When anger threatens. When I get sad. When I forget. For when I remember who I am, when I remember my center and my task, then life is filled with laughter and everything is so much easier. I can listen, I can gently identify my "stuff" and I can forgive. I can laugh.

 

Wishing you all the blessings of the year,

 

Donna

A Teen Across America

There's a lot of quiet excitement in this household as our eldest prepares to take a train alone across continent to stay for a week with older friends in Washington State. Basically we paid for 1/2 of the price of Daniel's ticket and he paid the rest plus other expenses. We have issued a few standard safety warnings (beware friendly men in toilets, where to stash his ticket and ID, and the old New Yorker in me couldn't resist offering the 'bring $50 for the mugger' advice) and will be delivering him to the train Friday night. He has been told to call when he gets to his friends' apartment - and that's it.

 

Some people might be horrified by this - what, no cell phone? No - no cell phone. A 16 year old boy away from his family for Thanksgiving? Yup. And staying with three 19 year olds 1,500 miles away. Yessiree.

 

I have never demanded my sons have a cell phone - I know what a comfort they can be to parents.... but I have always felt that if the child or teen is mature enough to be allowed to do - whatever it is - then he needs the full  experience of both the joys and the pitfalls of that experience. I am reminded of a friend who let her 17 year old son cycle and ride a train a couple of hundred miles to our house alone - and who demanded he be available to her calls at all times. And then  on the other hand I think of the stories a college friend told me of his father's idea of an appropriate coming-of-age ceremony for him at age 18. The father was Korean, the son very American. Before he would agree to pay for college, the father shipped the son (who did not speak Korean) off to Korea with a one-way airplane ticket.. It took my friend about 6 months to figure out how to earn the money to return to CA and be judged by his father as worthy of being responsible enough to go to college and get what he needed from it. It's a cliché but very true - my friend went to Korea a boy and came home a man.

 

And I know that my son will be very different when he returns home. He will have had to make many judgments about safety, about transportation, about timing. He will meet strangers and have to figure out what is safe and what is not. When he stays with his friends he will also have to make sound judgments about the behavior he might share with them.... And I am certain that whether he makes mistakes or not, that that now is for him to judge and for him to learn from.

 

Just as at 9 we would allow him to go out on our frozen lake armed with knives, fire and a hatchet, we know that he has gotten as much appropriate guidance as we can provide for him at this stage of life. We taught him how to use dangerous tools as a boy. We have taught him life lessons as a boy and as a teen. It is time now for him to go out and use some of that knowledge. And if he falls I know he is strong enough to be able to pick himself up, dust himself off and learn from the experience. And just as the trust we shared with him in an age appropriate manner when he was 9 strengthened him as a person, in the same way he will come home more sure of himself in who he is and feel affirmed in our trust in him as a responsible and sensible young man.

Living Crafts

Just a quick note to tell you all about a new magazine which will thrill many of you! It is called Living Crafts and the first issue is available now. It is devoted to Waldorf-style handwork and is full of lovely patterns and ideas for various handwork items plus an inspiring article by Elizabeth Seward, veteran Waldorf handwork teacher, about the importance of handwork. Definitely worth a look!

www.livingcrafts.com