The Homeschool Journey

Living Crafts

Just a quick note to tell you all about a new magazine which will thrill many of you! It is called Living Crafts and the first issue is available now. It is devoted to Waldorf-style handwork and is full of lovely patterns and ideas for various handwork items plus an inspiring article by Elizabeth Seward, veteran Waldorf handwork teacher, about the importance of handwork. Definitely worth a look!

www.livingcrafts.com

So How Do You Manage All Day at Home?

Following on from my last blog which I wrote earlier today I want to help parents think through how they actually can mange to be at home all day with tiny children if they too believe that this is what is best for their littlies. And I need to say quite unequivocally - I completely understand and sympathize with those of you who see this as an unmanageable task or, whilst being determined to make it manageable, still find it draining, exhausting, frustrating and isolating. I know. I've been there. It was what prompted my family to move from intentional community to intentional community so we could have a life where we shared childcare with other adults, with people who, we hoped, had the same values as us.

 

So I am NOT saying this is easy. I do, however, think it is what is best for tiny children - to be at home with their mother (probably) for the bulk of days during those early years. I am not saying that no other adult should be involved - granny, dear friend, etc - wonderful. (And of course Dad-care is essential and wonderful - not what I'm talking about here at all!) Of course. But that is different than group care outside the child's home.

 

Which is the subject of the previous blog entry so I won't repeat myself here!

 

So now - how to do it?

 

Well, first I strongly suggest people read through my other early years and parenting blog entries here to get more of the background to all this and to ensure they really are on board. I differ significantly in this from many others in Waldorf early years - so going to, for instance, Rahima Baldwin's website, whilst a wonderful source of information, will also bring you the opinions of those who come from quite a different place. Once upon a time in Waldorf circles it was unthinkable for under 4's to attend nursery or similar - now it is heralded as a breakthrough to regularly, as a matter of course, have 3 year olds in Waldorf mixed age kindergartens.

 

Last year Helle Heckerman presented a workshop here in my town on her work with 3 year ods in Denmark - I was invited to give a presentation at the conference but declined, saying that actually I was against on principle of the idea of 3 year olds being out of the home - their home. Of course it might be needed by some parents - single parents, low income folks etc. And of course Waldorf in-home or even in-kindergarten care can be preferable to other options (though I would suggest a neighbor with one or two of her own children or similar or another adult in your home who will not be soon replaced as preferable). I ran a Waldorf early years program myself - I know all the arguments. But at the end of the day I saw children suffer because they were not at home with their mothers. And even at 5 I saw my own son suffer from the best Waldorf kindergarten situation one could possibly imagine. My younger son, when it was his turn for kindergarten, was fine.

 

Anyway... let's get to some nuts and bolts....

 

First off, do that reading and consider buying my Kindergarten book and Joyful Movement even if your children are younger than kindergarten age, just to get a feel for things - and to gain a lot of practical information and inspiration. Have a look at my series of audio downloads as well to help you navigate these early years at home. And consider joining my discussion forum (see the Christopherus homepage) to get lots of practical support and inspiration form other stay-at-home moms who have the same struggles and heartaches.

 

Then.... See if these tips help make life easier....

 

* Slow down - less is definitely more where little children (all children really) are concerned. Try to arrange your life so that you are home most days - if there is one thing which my clients tell me again and again it is that once they have cut back and prioritized being at home, even if everything else basically stayed the same, that life got easier.

 

* Think "child inclusive" not "child centered." Your task is to include your child in your healthy life around your home - not to be a playmate and "edu-tainer".

 

* Drive less, walk and bike more. Stretch those legs, long and short! Even if where you live is a must-drive place, park a ways away from your destination - even if it's only at the far end of the parking lot, so that you can walk. Look at all the blue cars. Watch the lady putting her shopping in her car. Say hello to the old man. Slow down and be human!!

 

* Likewise, try to be less goal orientated and more process orientated. Yes, you do need to actually get to the store, buy that food and get home - but why rush if there's nothing to do at home except desperately seek ways of avoiding the television? Spend 3 hours "buying food". Take a little walk. Sit on a stoop and watch people go by. Admire all the lovely colors and shapes the lettuces come in. Examine the bins in the bulk food area. Watch the check-out people help customers. Your goal is to buy food - but your process of buying food is even more important if you have little ones.

 

* When considering purchases - games, toys, books etc - for your child, try to remember the image of the happy three year old playing contentedly on the kitchen floor, with nothing more than a pot and a wooden spoon. This is not fantasy. Stimulation-craving children are usually (though certainly not always) created, not born (listen to my free talk on Therapeutic Waldorf for more on this - go to the audio downloads link above). Less is more!! Less books (gasp - heresy!!), less toys, less STUFF, less THINGS!

 

* Whilst imagining your child content with a cardboard box or a simple dolly, imagine yourself as the source of strength, of warm humor, of firm joyfulness, of PEACE that your child needs. You are not his friend, his pal, his playmate or his buddy. You are Mother (or Father). Find an image of Mother that speaks to you - Gaia or Mary or Fatima or similar - these Mother-figures did not flap, waver, fuss or whine. They got on with it and provided unending warmth and strength for those around them.

 

*Work on the breathing-in, breathing-out rhythm of your days. Think about the healthy heart  - it beats faithfully for all our lives, now fast, now slow - but always, in health, rhythmically.

 

From two to three - early ed for tinies

A few weeks ago I gave a talk to parents in our community about early years parenting. Most of the parents attending had their children part time at one of the local Waldorf-inspired  in-home nursery or day-care providers here. The question came up about how is it that a two year old might go to nursery perfectly happily but then when he turns three, he balks.

 

In my experience, this is a fairly common phenomena. And I would say it has to do with the fact that a 2 year old is so closely attached to his mother, is so unaware in many ways (though he might not seem that way to the parents!) that in his dream world, going from one warm and loving place to another is no big deal. He is still attached etherically to his mother by the "Madonna's Cloak" and is still within her aura, even when she is not present. He can also easily adapt to the warmth and love of the care giver. And many 2 years olds often seem oblivious to the other children in the group.

 

Not so the 3 year olds. At 3 there is a big change. The child's sense of "I" is starting to stir and she is just that much more aware of her surroundings - and the nursery, as warm and caring as it might be, is not home, is not Mama. This is not a major problem for all children - but since my point of view is that little children in principle are better off at home than in nursery, no matter how lovely and Waldorf, a parent might want to stop and think what is going on here at this point of the child's development.

 

It seems obvious to me that at this delicate awakening time, at this first blossoming of a sense of selfhood, that one would want a child to be in the home, in the bosom of the family, with those who have chosen to bring him into the world and who are his primary and most important role models, guides, teachers and - his parents. The child creates his sense of who he is in relation to his parents. They are his templates and his models and launching pad for who he will eventually create himself to be.

 

Now this can be guilt-inducing stuff, I know. There are certainly times when we all need and want a break from our children - and there is a lot for them to learn from other people. And it could well be that a morning or two at a peaceful Waldorf at-home nursery is a wonderful experience for that child - and a very needed break for the parent. But.... I have seen so many little children suffer terribly from separation grief at age 3 especially that I just can't see any good reason from the child's point of view for this to happen.

 

From the adult's point of view - sure. Work, needing a break etc etc. But... too often an adult's needs do not mesh with a child's. If we lived in a different kind of society where granma or auntie could look after the little ones from time to time - when it was a one-on -one thing from a constantly present adult - not a group thing from a stranger who must be gotten used to - then that would be another thing entirely. Yes - as the feminists say, woman have always worked. No argument there. But they have not always used childcare from strangers or, far worse, from institutions which have an ever-changing stream of workers. Women used relatives and neighbors - people the children knew from birth.

 

So from the child's point of view, I see no reason on earth for nursery.  All this nonsense about early socialization is just hokum as far as my experience tells me. A play date once or twice a week is great - but preferably with mixed age children as tinies playing together can bring other problems (see other entries on this blog about that). Other than that - the best early years life for tiny ones is - and I am more and more convinced of this all the time - a slow paced, well ordered, rhythmical and peaceful life almost exclusively at home and in nature. , Unhurried, unstressful, unpressured.

A Change of Clothes

Earlier today I had a conversation with a client about Daena Ross' cd on the Twelve Senses (read my review here). This is an enormously important topic with important ramifications for the health of our children - and we will be having a study of the Twelve Senses led by yours truly starting on 29 October (2007)on my on line discussion forum (see the Christopherus homepage for more details about the forum).

 

Anyway.... we were talking about transitions and forms for her and her family of young children and I started to think about the fact that after we finished speaking I would make lunch for my husband and I - and that before I did this I would put on my apron. And so I began to tell her about when I wear my apron, how I used an apron when I was a Camphill housemother - and then expanded to talk about children and having clothes for them for various events - this is what led back to Daena Ross' talk.

 

Let me share here...

 

When I am doing Christopherus work, I just wear my normal clothes and I am totally focused on whatever task it is I have to hand. I might be doing research for a book; I might be writing a chapter; I might be writing here on my blog or contributing to the conversation on the forum; I might be talking to a client on the phone. I am in Christopherus work mode and that is what I am dressed for.

 

At around 3'o'clock I anticipate my youngest sons' arrival back from high school (my eldest will be upstairs studying for his British exams). I put my apron on. I am now in a different role - instead of walking past the dishes which need to be washed in the kitchen as I had earlier when I was in Christopherus mode and which I did not even flick my eye toward because they have nothing to do with Christopherus, I now take in the fact of those dishes and perhaps start to wash them. Or decide to do them later. But the point is, that now that I have my apron on, I am in the role to care for the house and for my family and that is where my awareness is. Christopherus is forgotten - I am now fully in the role as a homemaker.

 

By using an apron, I use a prop, as it were, to remind myself or bring attention to the various things I do in my life. Instead of going crazy trying to do everything at once, I can give different things the attention they need at the right time - and my apron is one way to help myself do this.

 

Even before we had Christopherus, when my sons were younger and no one was at school, there were definitely times when the apron was put on - I would be cleaning the house, cooking or doing other household chores. My focus was there - then the apron would come off and we'd have a story or make a craft or whatever else it was that we were doing.

 

Now I don't know if this sounds counter to some of you to what I usually say - the kind of "let's live our lives all together and no school at home" kind of thing. But I don't see it as contradicting that at all. It's about being conscious - and about finding a way to bring one's full attention to matters at hand when one chooses - when one puts that apron on - and then at other times choosing to have one's consciousness elsewhere.

 

Related to this is having different clothes for different events. And that goes for children. It seems odd to me that many adults I know take it for granted that they will dress up when they go to a restaurant but do not require that their children do so. Or even Church!! When my family goes to Church we dress for Church - but this is not universal. And I must be honest - it pains me to see children at Church in their jeans, in their playclothes.

 

Why? Because they then have not been required to make that inner gesture of pulling themselves into a different mood, a different consciousness for playtime and then for something special like Church (or Temple or the Mosque) or, yet again, for going out to a restaurant or a museum or similar. They are not helped to realize "this is something special - we act differently here."

 

And again, we adults know this and do this!! We don't expect our friends or relations to lounge about in a restaurant and put their feet up and scratch and whatever in a restaurant as they might do at home - and so we do our hair, put on nice clothes etc etc. But yet often parents don't help their children to have this same experience - instead they let them wear whatever they happen to be wearing. And then are surprised perhaps that it can be hard to help the children behave properly during the special outing.

 

Back to Daena Ross - she has really interesting things to say about this on her recording. She talks about what it means for a child to have playclothes, nice clothes and best clothes and what it means for them as a soul gesture to have to be awake to the differences that these different sets of clothes require. Children should have clothes that can get ripped and filthy - but they should also have nice clothes for going out in - and then have that cue that this is not the time to be swinging from the trees or racing about. And then when it is time to do something really special, to attend a House of Worship, best clothes are put on and the child learns - not because he is being chastised or told off  but because the clothes require it - to adjust himself and his behavior accordingly.

Free: Recording on Therapeutic Waldorf

For me the most important aspect of Waldorf education is its potential to heal and to make whole. As a truly holistic form of education, one which has a unique understanding of the journey each human being takes during his or her lifetime, Waldorf is able to penetrate the deepest levels of each child it touches and to offer the potential for each child to develop all aspects of her being. By understanding that each human being is at the same time a unique individual but also is on a path shared by all of humanity, Waldorf has a profound ability to meet the deepest soul questions of each child. While many of those questions may remain unanswered, the power of a curriculum and a pedagogy which seeks to honor those questions has a profound healing effect on children.

 

In today's world we are surrounded by a seemingly limitless number of children characterized as having one - or more - of a range of challenges, from ADD/ADHD to autism-spectrum disorders, from a range of attachment disorders to obsessive compulsive problems and sensory integration issues. Who are these children and what are their questions? Are their questions the same as those of other children or do they seek other paths, ask new questions?

 

My own vast and varied experience working with "children with challenges" has kept me busy and intrigued for over 25 years. What is going on here? Is there a common thread that runs through these problems we are seeing or is it all a random mish-mash of issues plaguing our children and their parents?

 

Over time I have come to a few tentative conclusions. The first is that many, many of the children who are diagnosed with disorders such as autism spectrum and, especially, ADD/ADHD as well as certain SI issues simply do not have organic problems. Rather, the symptom picture which many of these children are manifesting is directly due to the way they have been raised and/or educated. Harsh words if one thinks that by saying them I am blaming parents. I do not blame parents - not in terms of "here are ignorant people who have willfully done this to their children". Not at all. But what I do say categorically is that our societal understanding of what a child is and what her needs are are, for the most part, so far from the reality of a child's experience and needs that it is no wonder that so many children are manifesting such extraordinary difficulties. It is typical and acceptable in our society for 6 week old babies to go to institutional day care. It is typical and acceptable for pre-school children to go to all-day day care. It is typical and acceptable for pre-schoolers to spend all day in pre-school from 7 or 8 am until 4 or 5 in the evening - and sometimes later. It is typical and acceptable for children to have no routine at home; to be viewed as small but illogical adults who need to be reasoned with; to be allowed to watch videos and television and to play with hand held computer games at will.... to go to school where there is no recess (see Susan Ohanian What Happened to Recess and Why Our Children are Struggling in Kindergarten for more) and yet are expected to sit still at desks all day; it is typical and  (almost) acceptable for children to be sent to school ill because parents cannot take off time from work to be at home with their children.... And on and on. Yes, parents make those choices - and their surroundings say those are the choices to make. It can be a bitter circle and of course, people can only do the best they can at any given time. But Waldorf presents an alternative - and part of my mission is to share this with you so you can, if you choose, make other choices.

 

So that's Conclusion Number One which I chew on. Conclusion Number Two is really more of an observation than a conclusion - what is the thread that connect these children? Is there something in common here? And what I see are problems with "I/Thou" issues. Who am I and who are you? Where do I begin and end and where do you begin and end?

 

And then a third conclusion I have reached is that Waldorf education is the brightest hope we have to help heal these children and their parents and to help them move into a more comfortable and peaceful life together. I have read more books and articles than I care to think of by more doctors, therapists and experts than I ever thought the world contained, and time and time again I think "yes, yes - this is good - this is right..." and then the writer goes on to suggest some sort of therapy or approach to the child which I know - which I know - is counter to the developmental needs of that child, regardless of whether he has one of these conditions or not. Then I shake my head sadly and relegate that book or article to the Helpful But Limited pile.

 

So for me, Waldorf shines brightly as a guide for so many people. But I don't necessarily mean Waldorf in terms of Waldorf schools.  For many parents of children with challenges who cannot, for a variety of reasons, be accommodated in a Waldorf school, homeschooling is the saving grace. The homeschool environment with its emphasis on the home is, I would say, even more helpful to many children with challenges than even the best of Waldorf schools. The close, nurturing and peaceful home environment can bring more healing than a school situation - even in a Waldorf school - can ever bring for many, many children.

 

Let me take a minute here to make something clear before I continue - I am not saying that parents cause organic autism or similar organic conditions. By organic I mean conditions arising from whatever internal workings it is in the particular child which creates or leads to that problem. This is opposed to non organic conditions, those which arise from environmental or outside causes. Of course, one could argue for quite a while why one child manifests issues in one way and another child in another way.... but that would take us further than I want to go here. My point is that many, many children manifest symptoms which look like autism-spectrum  or ADD/ADHD due to environmental causes - and that these also include, let me hasten to say, problems arising from vaccinations, food allergies and environmental toxins.  I know I risk hurting the feelings of many parents who have carefully nurtured their children's senses and protected them wisely as little children but whose children still have autism or whatever. PLEASE - I am NOT talking about those situations! I am talking specifically about the children who manifest their problems in response to the crazy, stressful upbringings they have and who, critically, shed those symptoms once their environments change. Again - I cannot stress enough that I know there are also those children who - for lack of a better term - have had perfect Waldorf upbringings but still have autism or another condition. Absolutely - no argument there. But it is the ones who manifest symptoms in response to our out-of-control society that I am mainly speaking about. They are a different kettle of fish altogether.

 

So we have two groups of children here - the ones who organically DO have some sort of challenge and those who manifest a challenge but who can shed that challenge. These are two very different groups of children. But.... and here's the beauty of it all... both of these groups of children AND their parents can gain an enormous amount from brining  the healing power of Waldorf education and parenting into their homes.

 

THAT is what is so exciting to me and THAT is what prompted me to make  a free audio download on this topic. BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN IT!!! I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE UNBELIEVABLE JOY THAT HAS COME TO PARENTS WHO ARE WORN TO THE BONE FOR CARING FOR CHALLENGING CHILDREN AND WHO HAVE GOTTEN RELIEF AND INNER JOY FROM WORKING WITH WALDORF EDUCATION.

 

So I want to share this recording with you all. My hope is that people will find it useful and that they will send it to other people, friends and relatives who have a challenging child in their life and who could be helped as well. I know this sounds terribly proselytizing, but I honestly believe that Waldorf is the soundest way to nurture children and to support them throughout their childhoods so that they can be avoid or heal many of the problems that plague vast numbers of children today.

 

Once you have seen a 3 year old contentedly playing with just a pot and a wooden spoon, you know how peaceful a young child can be. Once you have been to a household where the children sit quietly at the dinner table, contributing to the conversation but also mainly listening to what is going on around them, you know how peaceful family life can be. Once you ride in a car with a family where the children amuse themselves by talking to their dollies or sing with the family during the journey, you realize that children can be pleasant to be with. The images on television and the movies do not have to be true. The scenarios in woman's magazines, the shrug of the shoulders from the doctor as she reaches to prescribe Ritalin is not the only way. There would be no call for Nanny 911 programs on television if people knew what children are and if our society honored their needs. The goal posts for what is normal and acceptable would be moved and thus the diagnostic pictures which fill the medical books used by doctors and therapists would shrink way down to include only those children who truly do have problems which need medical intervention. And that would be a fraction of what we see today.

 

And of course Waldorf is not the be all, end all - there are many, many other paths to wellness and healing. But..... there is no other way that I have found of understanding and nurturing the child as a whole - as a spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual being - that is as profoundly healing as Waldorf. There is no other understanding of child development which is as holistic and therefore as healing as Waldorf - and that is what makes it so powerful.

 

So have a listen to my talk and see what you think. And if it resonates with you and makes sense, then I invite you to join us... on my discussion forum, in other Waldorf lists and yahoo groups... in Waldorf schools and in Waldorf homeschooling groups... working together with other people determined to understand and nurture their children in the way that children need.

 

Please go to the audio downloads section of the Christopherus website to find this recording  www.christopherushomeschool.org

 

 

 

 

Review: Living into Dying

Every once in a while one reads a book which feels, from the first page through the last, as if one has been handed a great gift. One feels honored that the author has shared her story, has even bared her soul. Such a book is Nancy Jewel Poer's Living Into Dying: A Journal of Spiritual and Practical Deathcare for Family and Community.

 

"Deathcare" - this says it all. Nancy speaks of "home deaths", comparing them in many ways to homebirths and, like homebirths, clearly recognizing with no judgment that deathcare at home is not for everyone, not for even family. But even if it is hard for one to imagine caring for a dying friend or neighbor or relative at home, the sheer joy and reverence with which Nancy describes and shares such experiences is enough to at least help one consider the possibility and to honor the choices that people like the Poers have made.

 

This book is a treasure - it is filled with gentle humor and warmth, great wisdom and humility. Nancy's great compassion and deep spiritual understanding fill one with awe as she shares personal stories and experiences and also gives sound practical advice about the legal and hands-on aspects of caring for the dying and dead. She is an anthroposophist and comes clearly from this spiritual perspective, but in the kind of welcoming way that would make anyone from any spiritual background feel she was speaking to them.

 

The book is full of photos of family members who have died and of the beautiful ceremonies and rituals she and her community created to help them cross the threshold. It is an awesome experience to look upon photos of teenagers making coffins for their grandparents and other children carefully decorating the room where the body will lie and still other pictures of young children waving as they sit on the back of a flat-top pick-up bearing their family-member off to be buried.

 

Death is a part of life but one which is still hardly acknowledged except with fear. Haven't we all been touched by death? And yet it is so often not spoken about - and certainly rarely celebrated. This book is a gift to us all as we seek to create authentic family life and relationships - and as death is part of that, this book is an invaluable guide to helping us find our own relationship to this immensely important part of the human journey, one that is not to be feared.

 

I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

Sword and Gun Play

(The first part of this entry is a re-worked post from my old yahoo group... I then went on to discuss gun play....)

 

 

I think the key to a lot of the questions around sword play is "can my child rise up to something within himself to play safely with this sword?"I think one should make a big deal of presenting a beautiful sword to a child - other families create little ceremonies. The point is that the child knows and understands that this is a special thing - to be used wisely.

 

But if the child is too young or if he's a forgetful child who loses himself in the heat of passionate play, then I think one should wait. Let him know that "one day, when he's ready" he will get his sword. Give him something to work on in his inner being, something to aspire to. Let him know that once he has that sword, it means he is trusted and that he, out of his own inner resources, is able to act responsibly.  Few children are ready for this until after about 6 or 7 years of age. Before that, I would let them make swords as they want to - but have strong, clear and firm rules about what is ok and what is not. Sticks will be taken away if necessary - no "swords" in the house, none when younger children are present, no running - and if he can heed these rules then you will know that he is moving toward the ability to be responsible for a proper wooden sword.

 

I wouldn't suggest discussing this rationally with such a little one, though. But through story and anecdote, you can let him know that once upon a time it was a very special thing when a knight got his sword. Only the King could give it to him. He had to perform many tasks and work very hard before he was deserving of his sword, before the king could trust him to be a guardian of the kingdom..... Give it life, breath imagination into it - your boy will be rapt! And repeat at frequent intervals.

 

Aa youth worker of over 20 years experience, as a mother of boys and hostess of frequent "boy weekends" at our farm (which included unsupervised use of fire, knives, walking on a frozen lake, being in a barn around horses etc etc) I know that children have the capacity to play safely with swords and to use tools such as knives safely. But not when they are tiny. It is not fair to expect a little person - who is meant to be at one with the world, not an inward looking being conscious of his actions in the world - to take responsibility before his time.

 

A whole other kettle of fish is the use of guns, both in play and for more serious pursuits. When my boys were little, there was no gun play. Then came water guns and who can say no to that? So they were allowed - but with rules. The main rule was "no shooting at people who are not playing." This became the main rule for all gun play - because soon we decided to let them play with guns. I have never been particularly keen on gun play. I much prefer swords because the players have to engage one another much more closely and cooperate and negotiate to make the play work. There is a lot of skill involved and one can really appeal to the "knights' code" and such to help the boys be uplifted in their play. With guns, there is none of this. Indeed, the whole scene around gun play can be really awful - noisy, undignified, thuggish and unpleasant.

 

But... there appears to be something in boys - not all, but most - that not just desires such play but needs it. I have worked for too long with children, children from a wide variety of racial, ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds, Waldorf children and not Waldorf children,  to not recognize this very deep need.

 

So I think it is something that parents need to honor. I think rules need to be established  and adhered to - we had a "no guns in the house" rule (they were kept in the garage or barn and could not be played with indoors). I also think swords should be emphasized over guns because of what I said above - but really, little ones under about 6 or 7 cannot be expected to understand and keep any sword etiquette rules. So that might mean guns for a while if older siblings or neighborhood boys have gotten them into guns. But it is not too late to set clear rules (which you will have to be the guardian of) and to also present them with their swords when they are older.

 

One thing I certainly saw with my sons was that the care that they took with their swords did seem to have a knock-on effect with how they treated their guns. I don't mean they cared for the guns themselves - but I did feel that far more of their gun play was actually elaborate planning and negotiating and making strategies with their friends than I have seen in other boys.

 

As they reached their teens, one son remains interested in guns and likes to shoot targets. The other is into archery and has no interest in guns. One of their similarly-raised friends at 18 is a pacifist with no interest in guns. And the fourth of this little group of previously gun-mad boys does occasionally go hunting with his father (he does live in rural Wisconsin!) but is otherwise the gentlest, most caring young man one would ever want to meet.

 

So does early "violent" play beget violent young men? I would emphatically say "NO." Not in my family, not in my experience with friends, not in my experience with youth and children I have worked with. Real play helps children find their orientation to the world and to make sense of it. It does not lead to violence.

Birthday Loveliness

A couple of weeks ago I celebrated my 45th birthday (huzzah - Happy Birthday to me!). My 14 year old wanted precise instructions for what I wanted for my birthday. He also took it upon himself to coordinate his brother and father into a crack Birthday Breakfast team.  I lay in bed pretending to be asleep when he snuck in and woke his father (how anyone could think I could sleep through my husband's early morning bumbling about in our bedroom I do not know) and then softly giggled to myself as I heard his efforts to waken his comatose brother. Loud rustlings told me that pre-birthday wrapping of presents were happening only now but I decided to overlook that omission.

 

Half an hour later discordant mumblings rose up the stairs "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mama..." and I was presented with a tray. In past years I have been given freshly squeezed orange juice but somehow my normally efficient younger son fell down on that detail - never mind - this year he cooked my eggs. "One cooked well, one sunny side up because I didn't know which you liked," he explained.

 

A few other corners were cut this year - instead of opening presents on a well-decorated table complete with flowers freshly picked from our garden (part of the bonus of a summer birthday) I was given a motley assortment of presents whilst still in bed. My eldest shone here - in the past he has been rather dismissive of presents, not wanting to make anything as he used to when he was small but not quite getting it together to buy anything either. This year not only did he give me a lovely present of silver earrings, he got exactly the kind I like. And to go with it was a Putamayo tape of Middle Eastern music - whereas in past years he has been known to record a CD of songs which he likes (and which I find unlistenable) this year he actually took the time to think about me and what I might like. At 16 he is maturing beautifully.

 

My younger son has always been able to know what I like - our connection is very strong and we share many things in common. This year he gave me a beautiful piece of pottery.

 

Of course my husband knows just what to give me - not leastwise because he is handed a list several months before my birthday each year. A non-conformist, he often veers radically away from the list just so as not to appear complacent. Each year I have to weigh up his maverick streak against his equally possible plaintive wail of "I didn't know what to get you" (this is after 20 years of getting a list which inevitably consists of "cook books" "silver jewelry" "bath smellies" "plants" and the like!). This year he gave me things from the list and a surprise - a lovely volume of poetry by Mary Oliver who I hadn't heard of, but who is now a firm favorite.

 

Looking at my presents brought back many lovely memories of birthdays past - of handmade cards, of half-cooked breakfasts, of handmade uh, er, presents of all shapes and sizes.... of my sons growing up and changing year by year. Each of my birthdays is a blessing and each year has been celebrated in the heart of my family. I am truly grateful.

Museum Baby

A few weeks ago my husband Paul and I went to New York for a family visit. I am a native New Yorker but my mother now lives across the bridge in New Jersey. Whilst in NYC Paul and I did the New Yorker thing - Sunday brunch, hanging out in Central Park, walking up and down Broadway eating Haagen Dazs ice cream, checking out the Village.... and we visited the Met, one of my all-time favorite museums.

 

Being child-conscious, I was interested to observe parents and children as we strolled around New York. A few things caught my eye.

 

The first thing was the interesting phenomena of parents having quality time with their tiny children in the Museum. Now for those of you who haven't been to the Met (could there be...?!!) it is HUGE!. Vast - enormous, gargantuan. And it is PACKED. Slowly flowing hordes of tourists speaking a dozen different languages meander aimlessly through the rooms whilst packs of teen agers on field trips from enrichment camps squirm and push and take up more space than human beings are meant to (whilst also speaking a multitude of languages and accompanied by the thrum and buzz of their ipods). It is a vastly overstimulating place where, if one isn't on the ball, one could get knocked over, stepped on or tripped. And that's just adults!

 

Now I can sort of see why parents might want to take young children to a museum - it's a safe and somewhat contained space (though losing a child in the Met could be as unnerving as losing one in Central Park) and it's Something To Do. And there were a few parents who really seemed to be doing just that - finding Something To Do and perhaps hoping that they could get something out of the trip despite their child's complete lack of interest in the exhibits. There was one brave mother who seemed to fit in this category - I was astonished when I saw her. Four little children, with the eldest no more than 6, the youngest strapped to her chest, she was field marshaling her tiny troops through the collection of Greek statues when I spotted her. Briskly she walked, most of the time backwards, shepherding her little ones from one case of Greek vases to the next. She took obvious pleasure in their beauty - her children seemed less enthralled. Indeed, her 5 year old was more  impressed by the rasps and crackles coming from the walkie-talkie at a security guard's belt than Mom's exclamations of "look - you can see a story on this vase." Mom was trying hard but a 5 year old is going to be more interested in a real life flesh and blood security guard and her fascinating accoutrements any day of the week than a 2,5oo year old vase with obscure pictures on it!

 

What really got me though were the two women and their 4 or 5 year olds in the Modern art exhibit. Now OK - some Greek art might interest a child - and maybe Mom took the children to see the life size medieval knights on life size horses next (a sight I certainly loved as a much older child!!). But here were two adults not just passing past the art with the children and looking at what was on offer ("what pretty colors, aren't they darling") but actually trying to engage the children in conversation about the Modigliani they were looking at!

 

This is strange to me. This was really strange to observe (whilst trying to look like I was merely captivated by the paintings instead of the scene unfolding in front of them!) and right now as I type this, really strange to think about. What could those women have been thinking? One can only assume that they honestly thought that the way to help their children appreciate art (though what that means for 5 year olds, don't ask me!!) was to expose them to art and to engage them in conversation about art.

 

But of course, what's missing here is an understanding of the difference between the modern adult's 2oth century consciousness which creates and can discuss modern art and the consciousness of a 5 year old child. A 5 year simply does not see the world as we adults do and hasn't developed the powers of empathy, intellect and selfhood to  be able to stand out of herself to appreciate that most abstract of concepts, a piece of modern art. And - she shouldn't be prematurely put into the position of trying to achieve that consciousness. Once again, with the best intention in the world, we have an example of adults unwittingly bringing children out of their stage of development and into the next stage of development before those children are ready. And I don't care how precociously interested a child might be in modern or any other kind of art - I ask the question, where does that interest come from? If a child has miraculously come to earth with an insatiable interest in modern art that seemingly comes out of nowhere, that is one thing. But if she has developed an interest because adults have exposed her to things - whether consciously or not - then that is quite a different kettle of fish.

 

It's like parents who complain that their 8 year old is reading Anna Karenina. Well who gave him the book? Who said "yes, you may read this" and did not say "no, that is not for you right now." And I know what this is like - I had a 11 year old with a precocious interest in advanced science. My husband and I decided to let him go with it - but there was definitely a cost. I still think we made the right decision - but my now (summer 2007) 16 year old has some imbalances in him. Maybe we should have said no. But we were cautious and decided to go with what seemed not just a whim but a deep soul need. And  he is who he is.

 

But....11 is very different than 5. And the longer I am in this field of work and the more I observe what is around me and consult with parents and read reports and the news..... the more strong I am in declaring the absolute sacredness of those first 7 years of childhood and how they MUST be preserved for later health and balance in each human being. Let children be children and let them be at the stage of  life they are at. A 5 year old does not need to go to museums - not even science or folk museums. She does not need to see - she needs to do. And she needs to do what is real and meaningful - so even so-called "hands-on" or "interactive" museums are out. Just because something has been cleverly broken down by an adult so that a child can get their hands on things (such as touch and feel exhibits) does not mean that this satisfies the young child's need for wholes - for things to be natural and real and to have relevance. If a child has never seen a turtle or a chinchilla, feeling a turtle shell and then a chinchilla pelt is abstract and not connected to life. It is not real. The child cannot internalize the abstract concepts of "turtle" and "chinchilla" because she does not know what those animals are. The concepts are not grounded. On the other hand, if in a zoo or pet shop she gets to see and handle those animals, then it starts to make sense.

 

Back to the museum, let me hasten to say that I sympathize with parents in cities desperate for Something To Do with young children. In such cases, go to a museum. But just enjoy being together and wandering around and don't use the time as a Learning Experience. Just enjoy yourselves and don't be surprised if what makes the strongest impression on your child is the man in the electric wheelchair or the ride you had on the escalator.

Self Development as a Parent

Steiner said there were three absolutes which every teacher must undertake as part of his essential task of being a teacher: to understand child development; to strive to understand the particular children one is working with; and to work on one's own inner development. These exhortations are as relevant to us as parents and homeschoolers as they are to any teacher in a school. Perhaps they are even more relaxant to us as we are with our children all the time - and many of us are isolated, alone with the children day in and day out. Partners who work long hours can offer limited support - and they need support for the challenges they face outside the home. Homeschooling can seem a lonely and monumental task.

 

And now I am saying you have to do self development on top of all that - where to find the time?!

 

But that is not the kind of self development I am talking about. I am not talking about retreats  or long hours journaling or looking inward. I am not necessarily talking about set times to pray or meditate - though the rejuvenating effects of both these activities makes them not just a luxury - just one more thing to do - but a lifeline akin to breathing! The kind of inner work I am talking about is that which takes place everyday right in the midst of the busiest of busy families. What greater work than to do one's own inner work while changing a diaper, washing the dishes or clearing the dinner room for the fourth time today?

 

I am reminded of a wonderful article I read in Mothering magazine - must have been a good 15 years ago. It was about breastfeeding as meditation, as a time to give oneself up to the needs of another human being and to the moment. To wake in the night and pick up a crying baby or turn to the baby in a family bed is to be in the moment and to surrender. To be able to just give to that baby and be there for her is to learn one of the greatest lessons any human being can learn - that of sacrifice.

 

Sacrifice is not popular these days. You don't read articles in conventional women's magazines about sacrifice - if it is mentioned, it is synonymous with being a doormat, a drudge, an old fashioned and unfulfilled woman. But to truly sacrifice not out of guilt or coercion but out of a free and considered choice is one of the greatest gifts we can give another human being and to ourselves. Only those who are truly standing in their own sense of "I" can sacrifice - anything less is indeed being a doormat. This is something that is so often poorly understood. But I think that most of us can tell the difference when we tune into what we truly feel inside - is this sacrifice given freely or is it done out of guilt? If it is the former, one is left with a feeling of satisfaction and ease. If it is the latter, one is left with a feeling of resentment.

 

There are so many opportunities to make sacrifices as mothers and homeschoolers - giving up a second income, living more frugally, being "on call" all the time - these are opportunities for sacrifice. But they are also opportunities to act not from our center, but from guilt and then resentment. How to cultivate the former and avoid the latter?

 

Many of you will seek answers to questions such as these through your spiritual/religious life. Connection to the Source is a powerful way to ensure one is able to, if not actually walk the desired path, to at least seek where it lies. Working with compassion and forgiveness (especially of oneself!!) and with empathy are powerful tools. Seeking balance - between family and the rest of the world; between one's self and others; between rigidity and chaos; is a daily task, a daily practice. Working out what is one's own stuff and what is one's children's - no further work can be achieved without beginning right there. Looking inside and trying to understand when one acts from fear or anger - and why? Where does it come from - what are the patterns, the ruts, the broken records?

 

And perhaps most importantly, as one warily steps forward on this journey, is to realize that it is the journey itself that is the most important thing of all. The goal is to live a life as well as one can - but it is the journey itself which becomes the goal. Never give up - forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive - and because I know I cannot say this too often - forgive yourself more than you think you possibly can. Be gentle - on yourself. Nothing cannot be forgiven and transformed or redeemed - only our own guilt and stubborn refusal to let go and breathe stands in the way.

 

I am offering a shared exploration of Self Development as a Parent on the Waldorf at Home discussion Forum starting 11 June 2007. I have pulled the ideas for this from a number of sources, mainly anthroposophical. But anyone - from any (or no) religious or spiritual background is most welcome. Indeed, my hope is that people will share their Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, Christian or other practices which help them in their own inner work. And one certainly does not need to be versed in anthroposophy to join, either - I just want to be clear where the source of much of my own inspiration lies.

 

Anyway..... to find out the details of how this exploration will be conducted, please go to the Forum, to the Christopherus News sub forum which is open to the public. I hope many of you will join us in this very important work - and lurkers are always welcome!