The Homeschool Journey

When A Child Kills A Pet

(this is a post from our discussion forum. The thread was from a distressed forum member whose 3 year old son killed their pet rabbit. She was concerned that he did not seem to show any remorse and that he showed interest in cutting the dead animals eyes open.  The thread elicited great warmth and support from forum members eager to assure this member that her son's reactions were quite normal.)

 

 

Oh dear. Poor bunny, poor boy, poor you.

I echo what Forum Member X says - have a simple burial for bunny to say good bye. And then it's closed. If your child mentions it - fine. But don't bring it up again.

Your little fellow is WAY too young to be trusted with a small animal. No child under about 6 or 7 - and older for some - should ever, ever be left alone with a small animal. Impulse control is just not a feature in little children - and less so in some. You know your boy can be rough so he has an issue here.

I do not say this to rub your nose in this - but so often people think tiny children can do more than they should ever be expected to do. Even if your son was never rough with his sister, it is putting a huge burden on such a tiny child to give him responsibility which is too heavy to carry. I say all this gently though it might sound harsh. I do not blame you - but now you know.

I actually think the best thing would be to get a new bunny. In this way your son will not carry the doubt about himself in relation to an animal like this. And words are no good in such a situation - he has to experience that he can indeed be around - appropriately - small animals without harming them. He needs to feel carried by his parents so that he does not have to inappropriately rely on capacities which he cannot - and should not - have developed to ensure the animal's safety and his own behavior.

You must ensure that the rabbit's cage is such that your son can never get it out by himself - he must always ask. And do not expect that just because you tell him he must ask and he says yes that this has any bearing on his ability to do what he said - as a society we place way too much value on what comes out of a small child's mouth. We must instead hear and feel behind what a tiny one says and hold the space for him or her because they are not able to do so themselves - not yet. We must hear that by saying yes in such a situation that the child sincerely wants to do the right thing - like all little ones - but cannot yet. And that is where the parent steps in. It is unfair and totally out of touch with the realities of child development to expect that a little tiny child can monitor himself, has the awareness of self, ability to control impulses and self awareness to be able to do this - or that a small child in any way should have those capacities.

However, popular parenting advice is riddled with this kind of advice which goes by the Orwellian name of "gentle parenting". To my mind putting such a load on young children is anything but gentle.

So get that bunny and just take him out to play from time to time. While you hold him, say things like "what a soft and gentle bunny. See how we must stroke his fur like this? We must always be gentle with bunny." Let your son hold him if he asks - but only while sitting down so if bunny wriggles and your boy lets go - again, perfectly understandable - bunny won't have far to fall.

Your son might not want to touch the bunny. That's fine. Don't push. Just play with the animal yourself and if your boy comes to watch just murmur softly "hello bunny. This is your new home. We know how to be gentle and care for you." Your son might even come and hit the rabbit - this might be a way he is punishing himself for what he did - and a gesture of "help!" to you. Do NOT get emotional or alarmed if something like this occurs. Just stay centered and say "here, sweetie, this is how we pet the bunny" as if it never happened. Take your little boy's awful feelings about himself and what happened and transform them.

If your son says anything like "I killed the other bunny" you can say "Yes. That was sad. But now we will be able to care for this bunny and you will know how to be gentle with him." One doesn't want to cover up or pretend something didn't happen - but one also needs to take the emotion out of it (because such a young child can't) and transform it into a healing possibility. This rabbit remains in your protective sphere.

As for cutting its eyes open - very normal reaction. Don't buy into it - it is a way of covering up, perhaps his own attempt to push away the hurt. He might also know that this gets a rise out of you and does this to diffuse the situation - and of course all of this is absolutely unconscious. There is no "bad" or "good" here. You do what needs to be done - and never get into his stuff. If he cannot yet show the "right" emotional response, then you do it for him (whilst never pointing this out to him). There are many cases where children of this age seem to not react even to the death of a parent - please always remember that children of this age do not have a sense of "I" and therefore cannot be compassionate in the way which we adults might expect. By 7 or 8 he will be on the way.

Which doesn't mean that young children don't do things which look like compassion and even selflessness - but I would say that they are imitating. They are feeling and acting - but not out of self, rather out of what those around them do.

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Daddy Central

Here's a post from my old yahoo group on a popular question : how to cope with the chaos that Daddy's daily arrival home wrecks on the peaceful pre-bedtime routine?! How to honor Dad's need to see his children - and their need for him - whilst still preserving critical rhythms which support the children's healthy early bedtime and the parents need for couple time?

 

Of course it has to be "Daddy Central" when your husband come home, Member X! What an exciting time of day - sounds just great - because it's not just centered around the girls - it's centered around the important daily celebration of Dad coming home.I don't know how old your children are but something to think about in all this is that at some point in the evening while they are still up, it could be good for them to see that you and he need a few quiet minutes to talk together. Here is a point where they experience that though they are important, you and your husband's relationship is important too - that Daddy is as special to you (and you to him) as they are to the both of you.

 

Once he gets in the door and everyone jumps on him etc, organize things so that he then helps you quite them down. You need to talk this through with him so that you and he are on the same page - on this and  everything else to do with parenting, hopefully! This can be tricky! Dad might want to play and unwind as much as the children do! One possible cue (that you and Dad have worked out together in advance)could be like this:  At just the right moment you say, "Daddy and I need to check in for a few minutes and then we'll be back to you".

 

They can play in another room - and really, at first maybe for only 5 minutes so you and he can talk for a moment - and it will take time and perseverance to do this - they are not going to be willing at first! And obviously, if he gets home late and they are very little, then this is not realistic - this can be saved for a weekend perhaps. As Member X mentioned in her post the other day, it is vital for parents to maintain and cherish their bond together - absolutely, absolutely!! And isn't it important for our children to witness that?It may be that this few minutes of checking in between you and your partner takes place during dinner - that after everyone has had a chance to share their news that you say to the children, "OK - now it's time for me and Daddy to talk for a bit - you may listen". It is good for us to model conversation for our children. This is not aboutVictorian 'children shall be seen and not heard' - it's practical Child Rearing 101! How can they learn if they never get to experience how adults talk and listen and share? And if life is not centered on them but rather includes them, then they need to see how we talk with another adult. It is important for them to listen in to all that interesting grown up stuff (within limits) and soak it all up and to see that they are not the only important ones. How much easier it is for a little person to relax into life when she or he isn't center stage all the time!

 

Another important consideration here, though, is time. What time is it when Daddy gets home? If it's not until after 6 or even 7, it may well be that eating together is a laudable but impossible goal. Obviously it is ideal if a family can eat together - but work schedules do not always allow for this. And though some people will try to simply adjust the children's sleep schedule to accommodate this (late to bed and late to rise) this will not work for everyone. There are a significant number of  children whose body rhythms dictate that they are tired by early evening and that they rise not long after the sun. This is a really healthy thing - do you really want to mess with it? The human body, like every other living thing, has real and discernible rhythms - and rhythms are a key to good health.

 

And is it really worth it if your children are cranky, whiny and miserable because they are utterly exhausted? It is unfair to expect them to behave well under such circumstances. What benefit is it to anyone in the family to sit through excruciating meals with horribly tired children?

Again - not all children are like this. Some adapt well to having their internal clocks moved to suit adult schedules. You will know - if the children are miserable and unpleasant to be with, it is likely that they simply cannot adjust. Have a look whether they truly are able to sleep late in the morning as well - children under 4 need about 12 hours of sleep; 4 - 6 about 10 hours; 7 and up around 9 hours. (And teens also need about 9 hours of sleep - they also get cranky and horrible - but that's another story!!)

 

If this is the case in your family, can you try to feed the children first and get them bathed and in their jammies before Dad gets home? Then when Daddy arrives there is 5 minutes of rough housing. Don't let this go too long as it can become impossible to calm the children down again. And, unfortunately, there are a significant number of children who simply cannot handle pre bed time exuberance, no matter how brief. They spiral out of control and cannot then get to sleep. They need Daddy t arrive home peacefully and quietly - quite an exercise in self control for a husband to take on!

 

Assuming the children can handle some "Daddy Central" time, Daddy needs to be aware that he is responsible for transitioning to quiet time and to bed. Once play time is over,  he can start to quietly hum a soft song whilst "putting the house to sleep" - closing curtains, dimming lights and then quietly taking the children to their bedrooms (or to the family bed). He reads or tells a story, says a verse or a prayer and sits with them for 10 minutes while they fall to sleep.

 

In the meantime, Mom cooks dinner for herself and her husband.For many couples, this solves it all - children see Dad, children get to bed at a decent time and get the sleep they need, dad gets to have a special time with the children, and parents have precious couple time.

 

A Question of Control

Here's a somewhat reworked piece that I wrote on my forum in response to a member wondering whether she was being too controlling of her children. She has three little girls - a pair of twins and another child, all under 5. Her children demand that she bring things to them - and then reject what she brings. They say what they want to do all day long - and she finds herself following them.

 

I don't think you are being too controlling - I would even gently suggest you are not being controlling enough!

Your children are too little to be "told" that books shouldn't be ripped - they must learn by example. And so I would suggest that books live on a high shelf and only come down when you are looking at the books with them - and you are holding the book and guiding how it is looked at. Our precious books lived on a high shelf until my youngest was about 5 or 6. After that, they knew how to handle precious things. Books are not junk to be torn and drawn on - they have beautiful stories in them.  So much of what one wants to do out of Waldorf has to do with cultivating a feeling of reverence in the soul of the child - and to create the right mood for learning. Allowing children to destroy things only destroys such feelings and never allows the right mood to develop. To allow a child to destroy is to allow something within that child to be destroyed. Exuberance is one thing - destructive behavior is another. But.... at this age it cannot be left to the child to determine how to act. And so the mother must create (or control if you will) the environment and help the children learn. No child comes to earth understanding how to live as a human being - this is something we must  start to learn as children (and continue to refine all our adult lives!)  and is the most important lesson of all. It is a major reason why I am so in favor of homeschooling - because the family is the right place for such lessons to unfold. For some children such lessons are learned slowly - others really do seem to already know how to act.

 

Out in the garden the children can mash and build and destroy in the sandbox - no harm is done. But they need to learn to not hurt plants and animals - and can never be assumed to know how to do this when they are under 5 or 6 - or even older for some (especially those who have impulse control issues). "Look at this lovely tree - let's watch how the wind dances with the leaves" - no moralizing ("you must not rip tree leaves"). Speak to what lives in the child's soul - the innate sense of Oneness.  To be One is to completely empathize with the Other - including if the Other is a tree. Thus is laid the moral foundations for life.

As for puzzles, I would suggest you thank your friend warmly - and put them away.. No tiny child needs 15 puzzles! This creates the kind of "more, more, more" situation which, again, is absolutely counter to what one wants to achieve! I would also gently suggest that you think long and hard about having  any puzzles for such tiny children anyway. A puzzle has one right way to be done. One has to develop a kind of linear thinking to complete a puzzle which is totally at odds with the kind of free flowing picture-based thinking that should be allowed to live in very young children. Logic and linear thinking are great - but they are the domain of much older children and adults. Tiny children  should not be pushed into acquiring this kind of thinking until it unfolds naturally, when they are ripe.

Back to your relationship to your children's play, Forum Member X -  I would never get into "bringing the children" their entertainments - you do your work and that's that. On occasion you could find times to play with them or read to them. Otherwise they follow you around - and if they don't join in, then they can get their things themselves. You could have a special time when you are involved  with them doing things like cutting up, drawing etc. Otherwise it's dollies and blocks and the few other things they have free access to. Everything else comes out only when you are involved and you are carrying the situation. (and when Mama is having a rest that is also not a time for fetching and carrying - they are not too young to start to learn that).

You are not there to fetch and carry for your children - remember - it's child inclusive, not child centered!! This is a huge difference! And with three tiny ones, I strongly suggest you consider what that means and implement it before you become exhausted!!

You do - they join in or are in your aura, your place of work. You create, carry, transform, and ensoul the home. They learn via your actions and your mood. This stage will not last - but if you want the years to follow to run smoothly I strongly suggest you turn things around and make sure that you do - and they follow. Then they will have a template as it were to build upon - they will know that "this is how we look at books;" "this is where the toys live;"  "this is what Mommy does and what we do"- not because of your words and their premature choices and so-called freedoms.... but because what you have done is imprinted upon them. This is just what the article (we read on the Forum)  by Michaela Glockler is about. Morality (which can be understood as a sociable way of living with other human beings) comes through activity in the young child, from her having her parent (or teacher) work in the right way with her, establishing what is good, true and beautiful. Then she can work on that herself as she grows older. When real freedom and choice start to appear at adolescence then she won't flounder - she has something upon which to build and to push off from, to find her own individuality and real freedom.

So rein those little girls back in! Set up just a few select things they can play with - and find ways to engage them in your work. No choices - "We are in the bathroom now - let's fill the tub with bubbles and you scrub the walls". It is no wonder they prefer to draw - they are seeing whether you will give them what they ask for. This is interesting - Mommy says she wants us to help her in the kitchen - but when we say we want to draw she gives in.... This sounds like manipulation - but it's not. But it is the way that little children learn about the world, themselves and the adults around them. They need to test and they need to learn where you begin and end and where they begin and end.

 

 If all of this makes sense to you and is the way you now wish to work with your children,  don't expect your relationship with them to transform overnight! They will perhaps scream or fuss or refuse. That's fine. You carry on - there's no harm in the children having a fuss when they don't want to do something. You just carry on. Reach out to them from your heart as you continue with your tasks about the house - be at peace and do not get into their "stuff". This is not about you . It is about three tiny little children learning and growing - and throw out any AP notions you might have that some crying is harmful for children of their age. It is not - it is how they learn. Do not feel you have failed your children if they cry. They are not babies lying alone in a crib at night - they are toddlers and young children learning to deal with their frustrations and pain - and learning how to be social and part of a family.

 

 At their age they are entering the most powerfully compelling time of imitation  which comes to the fore at about 5 years of age - trust in that. Just keep on scrubbing that tub and perhaps do something interesting like starting to whisper a story. Chances are they will have to quiet down because they will be interested to hear what you are saying - and then they will forget about screaming. However.... as two of them are twins, this could take a long time as they might support and reinforce each other. But don't give up! You don't want 7 year old twins who are demanding and refuse to do as you ask! As horrible as that could be for you, it could be 100% worse for them. No child wants to be unpleasant to be with.

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Helping Little Ones with Manners

Here's another reworked post from our Waldorf at Home discussion forum.... If this is a topic which interests you, do consider purchasing my talks on Good Manners and on Talking Pictorially to Young Children for more practical help with this! The following is my response to a post from a member who asked a number of questions about what she should expect from her children (under 5 years of age) in various social situations.

 

 

I think it's right to want one's children to be pleasant to be with - and I wish all parents thought about that! There are a lot of folks out there who seem to think there's no problem when their children are anti social - either thinking that it doesn't matter or that "that's what kids are like." Neither is true. All children like to be pleasant to be with - we are, after all, social beings. But it takes a long term for children to learn how to be social - and longer for some than for others!

However.... everyone has different parameters here - and that's where the confusion can start. I think that tiny children who are shy should not be expected to say thank you etc - but that it is quite right for the parent to say it to the person for them. As they get a little older, you could start to whisper to them (perhaps bending down to them "shall I thank Granma for the present or will you?" Or - "Let's thank Granma together" and playfully trying to do it.) Sensitive adults should see that your children are shy - but I do think it's important that they are seen as participating in good manners in some way - it could be that you pick each one up as you thank the person - they are thus participating via you.

I think the whole kissing and hugging issue is very sensitive and very difficult. Part of me (despite a part Jewish part Italian very huggy and kissy family) thinks it's awful to submit children to that ordeal. On the other hand, on the rare occasions when I brought my sons (brought up in the UK where people stand about a mile apart when expressing gladness to see each other) to NYC to see the family, I figured it wouldn't kill them to be kissed and hugged and thrown around and generally passed from hand to hand by my enthusiastic relatives. OK - they were a bit shocked by the end of it - but they survived - and they learned something about the other side of their family.

So there's a lot of cultural issues here - very hard to navigate.

As for the play thing.... stop talking and start doing!! You need to keep them fairly close during those times that such squabbles are most likely to develop and get right in there and show them how to play. Remove the toy from the offender. Give it back to the one who had it stolen. Take the offender away from the situation and go peel carrots with her in the kitchen. Accompany her back and hand her a new toy - if she insists on the old toy, take her back to the kitchen. If she cries and screams - let her. It is ok for children to cry. There's a bit of an AP (attachment parenting) thing against crying which sneaks in, inappropriately, to the post-baby years. Letting a baby cry it out in a crib - I also could never do that and don't think it's healthy. But as the child grows, if she needs to cry out of frustration or anger, that's ok. She has no other way to express herself - and does not need another way until she grows into an ability to start to express her feelings - and that kind of self awareness should not come at such an early age. Many of us fear our children's strong emotions, feeling somehow we are failing them if they rage or cry. Thus so many parents try their hardest to teach their children various skills so that they can speak and name their feelings. But I would say that this is actually far more harmful than letting the child cry or rage. By bringing her precociously into self awareness (which is  what one needs in able to name ones feelings) then one is shortening the pre intellectual stage of consciousness of the young child, the stage of oneness where there is no true sense of "I". These are the years of working and learning via the physical body - and physical responses from the child such as crying and screaming are part of that.

As for the whole apologizing for hitting her sister thing, I would just say simply but firmly to the child in such situations "No - that's not ok." Remove her. Then later on, help her do something nice for her sister (redemption - always redemption). At 3 1/2 she is too young to do this on her own. So you say "We're going to draw a nice picture for your sister. She felt bad before when you hit her." No recriminations, no guilt, no therapy-speak, no fuss. Simple fact - this happened, this how we make it better. Even if she does not cooperate - you do it. You are still powerfully connected to your little ones and what you do influences them. You give the other child the picture in the "offender's " presence - and in her hearing say "This is a card from X. " You don't even need to explain. They know.

I think part of your quandary, Member X, might be a missing piece from the modeling/ discussion thing - it's the physical aspect. Little ones need to be picked up, handled, moved from one place to another, removed from situations, held when they scream etc etc. This is scary - and hard. But without it, one is forced into discussion with them - and we all know how useless that is. And you have discovered the limitations of modeling - it is important what we do, but when the child is in a state of anger, is out of herself, she can no longer copy our behavior. She needs the parent to provide a physical response.

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Caring for a Cat

(I am now starting to put selected posts which I have written on my discussion forum here on my blog... I can't re-print the whole conversation which we have, but just a few snippets here and there which I think others will find useful. The following was about how to involve very young children in the care of a household cat)

 

 

I do think that lots of animal stories can help - and also stories about your cat in particular. Involve the children in kitty's care - "look sweetie - see how kitty purrs when we pet her? When she arches her back like this, she's telling us how much she likes us. Can you arch your back?" Help them enter into the cat's experience by imitating and "being" the cat (to some extent). "Can you purrrr..." "Here let me brush your hair gently just like we brush kitty." And so on. Tell them little stories about how your kitty was born - how you got her and brought her home... tell them little stories about a cat that lived in a family with two children and how kind the children were to the cat... and always, always, always use imitation when interacting with the cat around the children so they can see. No mention of negative stuff - just model and tell strories about the right way to handle a cat.

Telling such tiny children "not to" won't work - they don't have the inner experience yet to use such information. They are experimenting - kitty does interesting things when they are "mean" to her. And though they can know that it is not ok to hurt kitty, their "meanness" is not introspective, is not arising out of a moral basis - so it can't really be termed "mean".

This is not in any way to say that it is ok for them to hurt the cat! But what it does mean is that you will have to be extra vigilant and make sure that you are right there so that kitty does not get hurt. And it might mean you need to put the cat out more or close her into a room where they can't get at her - if you would not know that they did this. You have to both protect the animal and be preemptive to avoid them hurting her.

If you put the cat out and the children ask for her to come in, you can say something like "Kitty would like to come in - but only if we all have our gentle hands on. Can you show me how you use your gentle hands?" etc. If the "rough hands" start to be used, then kitty must go back out (or into another room) and you need to say something like "Oh dear. Looks like you forgot your gentle hands. Kitty needs to go away now. She doesn't like rough hands."

Good luck - this could take a lot of energy on your part - but in the end it'll be worth it!

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A Wonderful Circle Time Resource

With so many of our young children displaying various sensory, balance, learning and behavioral challenges, many parents need to learn how to work purposefully to help heal and also prevent such problems. Nancy Blanning and Laurie Clark's new book, Movement Journeys and Adventures: Movement Enrichment with a Therapeutic Approach for Early Childhood is a life saver!

 

This wonderful book starts out with a very useful overview of the twelve senses and how one can address these via movement (the twelve senses include the usual five plus sense of life, sense of self movement and so on).The authors then go on to discuss various animal themed movements that one can use imaginatively with young children. They address equipment such as balance beams and ladders.

 

The heart of the book is a series of stories, exercises and songs  divided up by seasonal themes. The stories are lovely and the exercises are warm, colorful and engaging, perfectly marrying the young child's need for movement with his innate sense of imitation. So many parents I have worked with have experienced therapists approaching their little children in an overly intellectual and developmentally inappropriate way or in a coldly clinical fashion, treating the child as a disorder to be dealt with.  I know that this book will be a beacon of warmth and a wonderful reality check to parents who sense what a child really needs but who need a resource to help them work appropriately with their young children. This resource is equally valuable to parents of children who do not display any challenges but who want to nurture and encourage their child's healthy growth.

 

My only words of caution about this book is that it is clearly written for kindergarten teachers and thus parents will need to make some adjustments. The exercises all assume a group - though many can be adapted for one child. There is also an enormous amount of preparation needed if one is to fully utilize this resource - a kindergarten teacher would expect as part of her work to do this, but at home this could be difficult. My strong suggestion is that parents considering buying this book also buy my Joyful Movement (see Nancy Blanning's review here), working back and forth between them. A parent could then use Movement Journeys for themed inspiration and work with many of the ideas and then turn to Joyful Movement for everyday at home ways to also work in a healthy way with the child's developing senses.

 

Save Steiner Schools Camaign (UK)

We recently received an e-mail forwarded from the newly-created Save Steiner Schools Campaign in the UK. A new law coming into effect in the UK will effectively make it illegal for kindergartens and pre-schools not to teach children aged 4 and 5 to read and write! What is more, this threatened ending of the right of Steiner schools (generally known as Waldorf schools in the US) to practice a key aspect of their educational methodology (delayed literacy and numeracy) is being put into place within a context of what the British government calls "choice for parents" - talk about Orwellian use of the English language (choice = taking away choice)!

I am afraid to say that some people will be left with a very bitter feeling of "told you so". The Steiner/Waldorf movement in the UK has, for a number of years, pursued a policy of accommodation to the government - for example, translating Waldorf practices into the language of the government's educational "standards". This has, in part, been pursued in the hope of gaining government funding, allowing students to attend Waldorf schools regardless of their families' means. This is, indeed, one of the ideals of Waldorf education (that it is for all children). However, the danger of such a strategy is to the even more essential ideal: educational freedom.

In both the UK and the US we have seen a relentless encroaching by the national and federal governments on educational freedom - exemplified by the "national curriculum" in the UK and "No Child Left Behind" in the US. I haven't been following it but I believe the UK government has also been taking steps to limit the educational freedom of homeschoolers.  [* See Comments for a clarification of this - thanks, Fatima!]

Donna and I feel very strongly in doing all we can to protect educational freedom from the predations of the centralized political state. That is why we signed the 'We Stand For Homeschooling' resolution a few years ago and fully support the Association of Waldorf Schools of N. America in their decision not to allow public schools and charter schools (which are, in reality, public schools) to be members of AWSNA. And, incidentally, it is also one reason among many that both of us favor this man in his bid to become President of the United States!

So, the UK schools are hoping for a legal exemption from the state when it comes to meeting the requirements of the latest educational dictat. And we for sure hope they are able to obtain it. It will be very interesting to see what happens if they don't. I cannot believe that the Steiner/Waldorf schools will start teaching kindergarten children to read and write...

The e-mail we received follows.

-- Paul

Save Steiner Schools Campaign
Campaigning for an opt-out of Early Years Foundation Stage

http://www.savesteinerschools.org

The Issue
November 7th, 2007

This website has been created by parents to provide a focus for campaigning to stop the UK government forcing all Steiner Waldorf and other kindergartens and nurseries to implement the Early Years Foundation Stage requirements.

Most of the framework is both positive and uncontentious. The problem is that some of the development goals and assessment run contrary to existing forms of education that thousands of people in the UK and many more in Europe have been championing for decades.

Mandatory reading, writing and numeracy at age 4-5

The new legal requirements introduced by the Childcare Act 2006 will come into force from September 2008 and threaten to disrupt established educational methods such as the Steiner Waldorf curriculum that are based on childrens’ natural development processes in an environment that is not formally assessing them.

Steiner Waldorf kindergartens do not teach literacy at all at age 4-5 as this is covered very well in the initial years in the main school at a time (beyond age 6) at which it is believed to be more appropriate for children to learn it. Therefore this change will completely alter the landscape of Steiner Waldorf education principles in the UK. Many European countries have excellent literacy rates and yet do not have mandatory education until ages 6 or even 7 years.

The EYFS is part of a ten year strategy called "Choice for parents, the best start for children", even though as it stands EYFS is set to remove choice for parents and represents a different start for children, one which some experts do not believe is the best.

Mandatory assessment at 5 years old

The EYFS includes contains 117 different points against which kindergarten and nursery teachers will have to assess every single child in their care. This report will be given to local authorities and parents when each child is 5 years old. This assessment is a legal requirement, and the implementation of it is subject to OFSTED inspections and/or Local Education Authority inspection.

If you are unhappy with the increasing pressure on young children to learn reading, writing and arithmetic at such young ages and the encroaching mandatory assessment that may affect the quality of their education, please join our campaign and take action.

So How Do You Manage All Day at Home?

Following on from my last blog which I wrote earlier today I want to help parents think through how they actually can mange to be at home all day with tiny children if they too believe that this is what is best for their littlies. And I need to say quite unequivocally - I completely understand and sympathize with those of you who see this as an unmanageable task or, whilst being determined to make it manageable, still find it draining, exhausting, frustrating and isolating. I know. I've been there. It was what prompted my family to move from intentional community to intentional community so we could have a life where we shared childcare with other adults, with people who, we hoped, had the same values as us.

 

So I am NOT saying this is easy. I do, however, think it is what is best for tiny children - to be at home with their mother (probably) for the bulk of days during those early years. I am not saying that no other adult should be involved - granny, dear friend, etc - wonderful. (And of course Dad-care is essential and wonderful - not what I'm talking about here at all!) Of course. But that is different than group care outside the child's home.

 

Which is the subject of the previous blog entry so I won't repeat myself here!

 

So now - how to do it?

 

Well, first I strongly suggest people read through my other early years and parenting blog entries here to get more of the background to all this and to ensure they really are on board. I differ significantly in this from many others in Waldorf early years - so going to, for instance, Rahima Baldwin's website, whilst a wonderful source of information, will also bring you the opinions of those who come from quite a different place. Once upon a time in Waldorf circles it was unthinkable for under 4's to attend nursery or similar - now it is heralded as a breakthrough to regularly, as a matter of course, have 3 year olds in Waldorf mixed age kindergartens.

 

Last year Helle Heckerman presented a workshop here in my town on her work with 3 year ods in Denmark - I was invited to give a presentation at the conference but declined, saying that actually I was against on principle of the idea of 3 year olds being out of the home - their home. Of course it might be needed by some parents - single parents, low income folks etc. And of course Waldorf in-home or even in-kindergarten care can be preferable to other options (though I would suggest a neighbor with one or two of her own children or similar or another adult in your home who will not be soon replaced as preferable). I ran a Waldorf early years program myself - I know all the arguments. But at the end of the day I saw children suffer because they were not at home with their mothers. And even at 5 I saw my own son suffer from the best Waldorf kindergarten situation one could possibly imagine. My younger son, when it was his turn for kindergarten, was fine.

 

Anyway... let's get to some nuts and bolts....

 

First off, do that reading and consider buying my Kindergarten book and Joyful Movement even if your children are younger than kindergarten age, just to get a feel for things - and to gain a lot of practical information and inspiration. Have a look at my series of audio downloads as well to help you navigate these early years at home. And consider joining my discussion forum (see the Christopherus homepage) to get lots of practical support and inspiration form other stay-at-home moms who have the same struggles and heartaches.

 

Then.... See if these tips help make life easier....

 

* Slow down - less is definitely more where little children (all children really) are concerned. Try to arrange your life so that you are home most days - if there is one thing which my clients tell me again and again it is that once they have cut back and prioritized being at home, even if everything else basically stayed the same, that life got easier.

 

* Think "child inclusive" not "child centered." Your task is to include your child in your healthy life around your home - not to be a playmate and "edu-tainer".

 

* Drive less, walk and bike more. Stretch those legs, long and short! Even if where you live is a must-drive place, park a ways away from your destination - even if it's only at the far end of the parking lot, so that you can walk. Look at all the blue cars. Watch the lady putting her shopping in her car. Say hello to the old man. Slow down and be human!!

 

* Likewise, try to be less goal orientated and more process orientated. Yes, you do need to actually get to the store, buy that food and get home - but why rush if there's nothing to do at home except desperately seek ways of avoiding the television? Spend 3 hours "buying food". Take a little walk. Sit on a stoop and watch people go by. Admire all the lovely colors and shapes the lettuces come in. Examine the bins in the bulk food area. Watch the check-out people help customers. Your goal is to buy food - but your process of buying food is even more important if you have little ones.

 

* When considering purchases - games, toys, books etc - for your child, try to remember the image of the happy three year old playing contentedly on the kitchen floor, with nothing more than a pot and a wooden spoon. This is not fantasy. Stimulation-craving children are usually (though certainly not always) created, not born (listen to my free talk on Therapeutic Waldorf for more on this - go to the audio downloads link above). Less is more!! Less books (gasp - heresy!!), less toys, less STUFF, less THINGS!

 

* Whilst imagining your child content with a cardboard box or a simple dolly, imagine yourself as the source of strength, of warm humor, of firm joyfulness, of PEACE that your child needs. You are not his friend, his pal, his playmate or his buddy. You are Mother (or Father). Find an image of Mother that speaks to you - Gaia or Mary or Fatima or similar - these Mother-figures did not flap, waver, fuss or whine. They got on with it and provided unending warmth and strength for those around them.

 

*Work on the breathing-in, breathing-out rhythm of your days. Think about the healthy heart  - it beats faithfully for all our lives, now fast, now slow - but always, in health, rhythmically.

 

From two to three - early ed for tinies

A few weeks ago I gave a talk to parents in our community about early years parenting. Most of the parents attending had their children part time at one of the local Waldorf-inspired  in-home nursery or day-care providers here. The question came up about how is it that a two year old might go to nursery perfectly happily but then when he turns three, he balks.

 

In my experience, this is a fairly common phenomena. And I would say it has to do with the fact that a 2 year old is so closely attached to his mother, is so unaware in many ways (though he might not seem that way to the parents!) that in his dream world, going from one warm and loving place to another is no big deal. He is still attached etherically to his mother by the "Madonna's Cloak" and is still within her aura, even when she is not present. He can also easily adapt to the warmth and love of the care giver. And many 2 years olds often seem oblivious to the other children in the group.

 

Not so the 3 year olds. At 3 there is a big change. The child's sense of "I" is starting to stir and she is just that much more aware of her surroundings - and the nursery, as warm and caring as it might be, is not home, is not Mama. This is not a major problem for all children - but since my point of view is that little children in principle are better off at home than in nursery, no matter how lovely and Waldorf, a parent might want to stop and think what is going on here at this point of the child's development.

 

It seems obvious to me that at this delicate awakening time, at this first blossoming of a sense of selfhood, that one would want a child to be in the home, in the bosom of the family, with those who have chosen to bring him into the world and who are his primary and most important role models, guides, teachers and - his parents. The child creates his sense of who he is in relation to his parents. They are his templates and his models and launching pad for who he will eventually create himself to be.

 

Now this can be guilt-inducing stuff, I know. There are certainly times when we all need and want a break from our children - and there is a lot for them to learn from other people. And it could well be that a morning or two at a peaceful Waldorf at-home nursery is a wonderful experience for that child - and a very needed break for the parent. But.... I have seen so many little children suffer terribly from separation grief at age 3 especially that I just can't see any good reason from the child's point of view for this to happen.

 

From the adult's point of view - sure. Work, needing a break etc etc. But... too often an adult's needs do not mesh with a child's. If we lived in a different kind of society where granma or auntie could look after the little ones from time to time - when it was a one-on -one thing from a constantly present adult - not a group thing from a stranger who must be gotten used to - then that would be another thing entirely. Yes - as the feminists say, woman have always worked. No argument there. But they have not always used childcare from strangers or, far worse, from institutions which have an ever-changing stream of workers. Women used relatives and neighbors - people the children knew from birth.

 

So from the child's point of view, I see no reason on earth for nursery.  All this nonsense about early socialization is just hokum as far as my experience tells me. A play date once or twice a week is great - but preferably with mixed age children as tinies playing together can bring other problems (see other entries on this blog about that). Other than that - the best early years life for tiny ones is - and I am more and more convinced of this all the time - a slow paced, well ordered, rhythmical and peaceful life almost exclusively at home and in nature. , Unhurried, unstressful, unpressured.

Review: " Beyond the Rainbow Bridge"

Just about everyone who is interested in ways of working with Waldorf with young children knows about Rahima Baldwin's You Are Your Child's First Teacher. But then.... then what? What is another good book to read?

 

I have a number of favorites - and over time I will share them on this blog (if you have my kindergarten book, I list a number of books in there. You can also look on the Resources page on the Christopherus website). I thought I'd get the ball rolling with Barbara Patterson's Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, published by Michaelmas Press and available through all the usual Waldorf book outlets (again - see our Resources page for help!).

 

It's actually kind of funny that I am starting with this book because there's a lot about which rubs me wrong - I am just too much of a New Yorker to sit easily with the rather twee (to borrow a wonderful British word) tone of much of this book. Fairy dreamyland is fine for little children - but presumably the book is written for adults to read and much of the "kindergarten tone" carries into the author's work. Nevertheless, once I get past that, I see an awful lot in this book which is of value to those with little ones at home, from babies through about age 7.

 

There are useful sections on child development and what to expect from children as they pass through early childhood; discipline; the importance of rhythm; and the essential role of play in childhood. There are especially valuable chapters on the twelve senses and how to work with these. This is something that all parents should know about (see elsewhere on this blog where I discuss this).

 

A feature of the book which many parents have told me they especially like is the question and answer, discussion format in most of the chapters. Barbara ran early childhood classes as well as a nursery for many years and she has included the kind of dialog that she must have repeatedly had with parents over the years.

 

The last part of the book includes songs, rhymes, sewing projects, verses and circle activities which Barbara used in her group. This is very useful to any parent whether they keep their children at home or send them to kindergarten.