The Homeschool Journey

A Child Who Hits

(This is a re-worked post from my yahoo group, Waldorf_At_Home. The subject was what to do with a child with hits  her siblings)
 

In a hitting situation - in any situation with little one - under 6/7's - one first works via imitation and redirection: "Oh my goodness!? What are those  hands doing? They have forgotten their job - come, it's time to help me wash the dishes. Let's see what those hands can do!". Positive, humorous, redirection - with a physical (active)  focus and using imitation (doing the dishes together). This will work for many children -but not all and not always.

 

I like the physical approach that N speaks of - I think this is enormously important for tinies - however (and I say this with respect, not criticism) I feel the verbal part is - well, too verbal. Too head orientated, too self reflective for the young child. I understand that by doing this N wants to empower her child to understand that she will eventually be able to control herself - I like that... but I feel that it still leaves way too much room for a strong willed, fiery or stuck child to be lost in. My experience with children  (including my extremely willful eldest son) is that the form itself is what comforts and centers the child - if redirection has not worked, then I would hold such a child, picking her up, singing or humming a verse and having some quiet somewhere else. This might escalate her anger and screaming - I would say that this is ok - perhaps she needs to have the safety of this holding time to release her anger.

Don't be scared by a child's rages - be thankful that the child can get it all out (as my husband, who used to be a homeopath says 'better out
than in'). Over time she will learn to have some degree of control over  such feelings - but only, I would suggest, if she does not have to
concern herself with being self reflective and only if she feels safe enough to let go - and for that most young children need the strong physical presence of the parent who is willing to "take care of things for them".

 

If the hitting continues.... you might have to keep the child very close to you all afternoon "I am sorry, sweetheart, but those hands of yours
keep forgetting their job! So you will help me this afternoon to make lunch and then clean the bathroom." And do it. And keep at it. This is
very tiring, I know that. But it works because what you are doing is recreating something for your child, guiding her through her difficulties and being her strong foundation to rest against as she learns how to control whatever it is in her that impels her to hit.This is a really powerful approach for a young child of  about 3 to 6 years of age.

 

In contrast to this, say for an 8 year old that hits others, I would be more firm. I would walk up to the child, kneel at his level, hold both
of his hands and look him right in the eye (and wait until he will look at me if he squirms away - this is powerful stuff). I would then quietly
but firmly say "We do not hit. You may not hit so and so again". And walk away. If it happens again - "You know that we do not hit in this family. You will sit on that chair and remain there while I finish cooking supper". He must stay on the chair - not isolated in his room, but near you. After a time "Ok.  You can go back to playing with your brother. Let's try again". Clear, warm, centered and in control - not, as I say
repeatedly in my books, controlling - but at the helm, guiding and forming the situation - and the child.

 

Restitution is a big part of all this - for a little one who smashes things "Come, we need to clean this up." No yelling, no choices, no analyzing, no fuss. Physical activity, making things better. For an older child who took his brother's things - maybe it needs to come out of his allowance or he needs to do some of his brother's chores. No shaming, no major scene - matter-of-fact calm restitution. And then it's over with.

 

Last... forgiveness. Forgiveness of one's self as a parent, of one's child, of one's own parents and childhood.... not carrying baggage around that clouds one's own parenting. Clarity. Respect for the stage of childhood one's child is in - and not treating her as someone who is older - or someone who is younger. Respect for her as an individual as well.

 

 

 

 

 

Review: Autism: A Holistic Approach

Life works in mysterious ways. Life takes circles and weaves spirals  - it goes one direction and then doubles back on itself. This is how I am feeling these days as I contemplate the work that I do via Christopherus and as a Waldorf teacher and as I work with my homeschooled son.

 

To be more specific, I am amazed at the way I seem to have long episodes in my life when "children with challenges" come to the fore. Sometimes gently, sometimes more assertively, they call my attention to the fact that my heart's work is involved with the healing of "children with challenges" and that their stories are the ones that speak the most deeply to me - and to which I feel humbly honored to be able to offer some assistance.

 

Who are these children? Who were those children who tried to burn down their apartments (flats) back in London when I first started on this journey? Who were those grown children - those adults with special needs - that I lived with in Camphill? Who was that special family who I lived with in another Camphill-inspired community? Who are these children whose parents phone me for consultations? These troubled or problematic teens at the high school where I teach? All children are special - but it is the stories of these children and the special challenges that they carry that speak most poignantly to me. And is it coincidence that both of my sons have displayed challenges (not severe, but enough to take note of) at different times of their lives?

 

Recently I have had a small flood of calls from parents with such children - a wake up call to me, for me to further clarify and hone the path of my work. One small attempt I made recently in this direction was to read the book,  Autism: A Holistic Approach by Bob Woodward and Marga Hogenbloom. I was flooded with fond memories of being in a Camphill Community when I read this as it is based on the therapeutic work that Bob Woodward participates in daily as he lives and works in such a community in England.

 

In recommending this book to homeschoolers I am taking a great risk - this book is about children at the far end of the spectrum of need in terms of challenges such as autism - the children who live in Camphill communities are not those who can live easily at home - though some, in time, might certainly be able to return to more independent lives. As such, this book is about the absolute importance of the therapeutic community. So a homeschooling parent who has a child with challenges but who wants - and can - keep him or her home might find herself dismayed or even disheartened by some of what this book says.

 

So I urge people to read this - as I think it is extremely valuable and has much to offer parents of children with a range of challenges within the autism/Asperger's spectrum - but with caution. Take what is useful. Live into the case histories and the details of the therapies used and imagine how you could bring some of the elements used in Camphill to your child. Work with the anthroposopophical ideas around what autism is, how it effects the human being. And glory in the uplifting message of this book - that human beings come to the earth with a purpose and with karma - and that each of us works on our path in a different way. Autism then can be seen not so much as a problem to be fixed, but as a path that a child walks - a path needing our love, support and encouragement - but not our ability to fix or to mend.

 

Which isn't to say that diagnoses of autism and Asperger's cannot be modified - even abandoned completely - over time. This isn't to say that healing and development aren't possible - are very possible! - within those terms.  It isn't to say that many of the diagnosed come to be "normal" once a healing path is undertaken - and that the diagnosis can be regarded as a label which has expired.  But rather that we as parents and teachers and those who care for children with challenges (and many others aside from autism and Asperger's) do not need to burden ourselves with the load of guilt which one could carry if one sets out to "fix" the problem.

 

Much of this book is about cultivating a kind of openness and basic respect for the child with challenges, understanding that his or her behaviors, though they might seem irrational to us, have to do with her need to understand and experience her world - but in her own way which feels safe to her. To get anywhere with such a child requires real self knowledge on the part of the parent/teacher/therapist. Rudolf Steiner "repeatedly emphasized the moral tenor which should underlie any interventional methods, and educators were called upon to have respect and reverence for the child's real being above all else. In a sense, the child's own being could tell them what needed to be done, in each individual case, but this required educators to consciously develop their powers of empathy." (page 181).

 

Lastly, I recommend this book to anyone who seeks to understand the therapeutic relevance of the anthroposophical view of the development of the human being, especially the enormous importance of the twelve senses. Please see my review of Daena Ross' dvd on this topic for further information.

Discipline Questions

(this entry has been adapted from my Waldorf_At_Home yahoo group)

The topic of discipline in Waldorf circles can seem elusive - this is mainly because discipline as such is rarely talked about. Rather, discipline is understood as something which arises quite naturally out of a right understanding of children and of  the ability of the adult - whether parent or teacher - to create the forms necessary to support the growing child. With a right understanding and right forms, discipline "problems" rarely, if ever, arise.

 

Now, don't get me wrong - this isn't to say everything flows perfectly once the above is achieved - but, honest to god, in my many, many years of experience in and out of Waldorf schools with 100's of children,  I know that this really is so. If one has a picture of discipline as a right relationship between adult and child, then, although children will certainly test, push limits and do all the other wonderful things they must do to understand the world, it just isn't a problem.

 

So what am I talking about? Well, number one issue to address is the inner work of the adults involved - and for homeschoolers, that's us parents. What unresolved issues do we have, what buttons do we hide which our children always find? How are we about issues like anger, control, loss, spontaneity, routine? What is the picture we carry of the growing child - and not just of our individual son or daughter? What role do we see as the mother's role?

 

I believe absolutely 100% that parents need to be really clear in how they understand their roles as parents and as teachers and what they understand the developing child needs. I think parents need to understand the importance of how they create their family rhythms - or what the consequences are of not doing this. Is it really so important to take the baby out past his bedtime so I can go to that meeting?  Is it pushing my child's limits to take him to the zoo before we go out tonight for a meal? Who says 3 year olds should be expected to be able to join in Circle Time at a nursery or coop meeting? Can a 6 year old really be expected to keep his room clean on the basis of verbal instructions? Do the television shows my 10 year old watches have any effect on his behavior? Is my 14 year old old enough to make choices about all the important areas of her life?

 

Again - who am I - the mother or father - and who is this person, my child? What is our relationship? Are we democratic in our family - or has this child come to learn, to be within my circle of strength and compassion so he can grow within that circle, encompassed by its security until he is ready to strike out on his own and use his voice and his choices meaningfully? What is the gesture of each stage of childhood and how must I, the parent adapt and change to create that gesture and meet the needs of my growing child?

 

Do I have any answers to these questions? Oh yes, I have many (!) as those of you who have read my books, consulted with me and/or attended my workshops know! I have decided, though, in this brief (well, I meant to be brief!) e-mail, just to pose a few questions - some of which just don't occur to people. But I think by considering some of these questions, by figuring out one's own relationship to what is behind these questions, then one can start to discover what one understands 
about the basis of waldorf education.

 

A Visit to the Science Museum

This article first appeared in the Homeschool Journey newsletter, February 2005

Just a little note to warn people that the following has been issued from Donna’s extensive Waldorf Curmudgeon files... I promise that March’s newsletter will not contain any grumbling references to the state of public education or questionable parenting practices in our society! Honest. 

I took my sons, aged 11 and 13, to the Minnesota Science Museum in St Paul a couple of weeks ago. We love going there, exploring the exhibits, watching a film at the IMAX theater and then having a bite to eat before going home. We usually try to come in the late afternoon, after the school groups have left. But this time we came earlier because I don’t like to drive at night. So, unfortunately, much of our time in the museum was spent playing “Oh no, here comes a school group – let’s go on to the next exhibit”. Nothing personal against the children themselves – it’s just that the sheer numbers and noise is more than a little off-putting when one is pausing by a cabinet of butterflies, say, talking together about their patterns and colors, or perhaps about the ethics of collecting animal specimens.

Something I really value about trips with my sons to a museum is discussing in depth what we’re looking at, drifting along as their interest takes us, maybe going back to something to have another look, maybe skipping something. We use the museum as a resource while we’re there, a spark to our conversations.

For the most part, I have observed that the massive packs of school children do not get such opportunities for conversation. To be honest, I am dubious anyway of field trips with more than two or three children (whether school children or homeschoolers) as the social element tends to dominate and What We’re Supposed To Be Looking At gets lost. Unless the field trip is carefully framed, both before and after, the destination is usually incidental to the pushing and shoving, horseplay, gossip and jostling to look at the contraband Nintendo that someone’s bound to have brought along. Even with the best intentions it is difficult to a) keep a continuum between classroom and field trip experience when one is working with such large numbers of students and b) compete with children’s socializing.

A fairly new phenomena I have observed amongst school groups is the arming of them with clipboards and quiz sheets. I’ve peered over a number of shoulders and even fished a discarded paper out of a trashcan to see what children are meant to be doing as they troop through the museum. What I’ve discovered are checklists that they are meant to complete, so that their museum experience becomes more akin to trolling around a supermarket with a shopping list than an in-depth exploration of an exhibit.

Do they get a chance to discuss what they are seeing, relate it to things they have studied in a classroom, perhaps have the teacher hint at things to come? I’ve never seen that happen. Rather, I’ve seen bands of children, some noisier, some quieter, some oblivious to the exhibit, others having a good look. But I’ve never seen groups of children and adults taking time to really talk together, considering what’s before them and traveling at a pace dictated by the children’s interest and not a school schedule.

The frantic pace of the typical field trip to a science museum is at its worst, I think, in the so-called ‘hands-on’ part of the museum. In St Paul, there’s a fairly large physics and weather phenomena section which, in many ways, is really very well done. But... how many children using the gadgets – simulating tornadoes, tracking storms on a computer, making designs with sound, and so on – actually know what it is they are doing? How many are simply having a fun time, twiddling with knobs and fiddling with switches and buttons?

Now, I’m not an old sourpuss who thinks education should be devoid of enjoyment. But I am highly critical of ‘edutainment’, the belief that children need to be entertained, coaxed, tricked or cajoled into learning. And I think this approach is especially prevalent when it comes to making science ‘palatable’ to children. Look at the multitude of so-called science kits available for homeschoolers that are based on making gloopy, shiny, slimy, smelly substances – so that children will be entertained and, therefore, presumably think science is ‘fun’, i.e. worthwhile.

Back to the Science Museum... a few months ago our museum had a special exhibit on Grossology. Grossology – I ask you! It seems that the study of snot and other ‘gross’ things is now graced with its own -ology. Our family passed on that one...!

Another side of science as entertainment can be seen in the various very popular TV series centered on forensics. Science can be fun and entertaining – and very sexy too. Look at those beautiful lab assistants-come-detectives, look at their flashy clothes, big cars, big guns. And let’s not forget all the half-clothed ‘vics’ and ‘perps’ which jazz things up considerably.

So science is gross, it’s fun and it’s sexy – and it’s also very disturbing. One can get the sick feeling of voyeurism when one watches films on ‘extreme weather’, for instance. The hurricane or flood takes the center stage – and, oh yes, that’s a dead body that the camera just panned over. Even animal films these days can be suspect: why does the camera spend so long focused on the kill made by the lion? Why are the crunching and ripping sounds brought to the fore? One wonders exactly who these films are made for.

In many ways the IMAX films are the worst. One really is meant to get that stomach-churning lurch when watching people rock-climb or hang-glide on those huge screens – that’s the point. And it can be a fun experience – something like going on a roller coaster. I have to admit I’m too much of a wimp to go on a real roller coaster; as it is I flinch and jump when the camera suddenly goes off a cliff or rushes down the trunk of a redwood, as do my sons. I think for adults and older children these kind of films are okay (I just wouldn’t overdo it). But little children? At our last visit to the IMAX there were several little children, none older than 5, in the theater.

What could those parents have been thinking? I’m sorry, I just can’t get my head around taking a 4 year-old to see, not just a film about extreme nature (i.e. scenes of destruction) as this film was, but as an IMAX film as well! Do people simply not realize that the gut-wrenching feelings those films call up in us adults are magnified many times over in little children?

Little ones are like sponges, soaking up everything around them. They are completely open to the sense impressions that surround them. They do not have the ability or the tools to either disengage from what comes toward them or to mediate its effect. And so what happens is that children either shut down a part of themselves and therefore lose the ability to fully feel, or they reach a kind of nervous overload and the way is open for a variety of behaviors and reactions to arise, many ultimately resulting in the labels ‘ADHD’, ‘dyslexia’, ‘sensorially challenged’.

My sons were each over 10 before we saw an IMAX movie and even then we left a couple of them early – and they have no other sensorially challenging experiences in their everyday lives. But those little ones I saw that day? It would hardly be surprising if they then went home in an SUV with a video screen, had some TV before supper and then went to bed with recorded tapes.

What is the difference between an approach to science which values entertainment and treats it as something to be seen but not deeply experienced, on the one hand, and an approach which regards scientific phenomena as the handwork of God, on the other? What attitudes might we engender in our children toward life around them if it’s all regarded as a joke or a gimmick? What, instead, might be the result if we help them perceive the wonders of creation? Science is about understanding the mysteries of life. It is the name we give to every child’s curiosity and desire to learn. It should be honored and uplifted, something every human being has a relationship to as they grow. Like art, it should be as much an everyday part of life as breathing.

* * * * *

Those of you who would like help in fostering a reverential and respectful attitude toward life and science in your homeschool might be interested in our science book, From Nature Stories to Natural Science: A Holistic Approach to Science for Families. It starts in the very earliest years with the tiny scientist exploring her surroundings and progresses all the way into the high school years, when science becomes a rigorous discipline, requiring skilled thinking and observation. I explain the holistic background to the Waldorf approach to science and also go into some depth as to how science appears in the Waldorf curriculum. I help parents understand how they might work with this gentle, empirical form of science at home. 

http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/nature_stories.htm

 

In Praise of No Praise

This article first appeared in the Homeschool Journey newsletter, January 2005

When my family and I returned to the US from Britain, we came to live in an anthroposophical intentional community which, amongst other things, hosted visits from school groups, some Waldorf, some not. Part of my work in the community (other than looking after my children and household) was to work with these groups.

I remember one group in particular which was flanked by a phalanx of teachers who at seemingly regular intervals would utter the phrase, “Good job, good job!” to the children. It took me a while to actually understand what they were saying (my British-acclimated ears were not familiar with this phrase) and I became increasingly perplexed by a) the apparent randomness of the utterances and b) its unnoticed lack of impact on the children.

I guessed that these children were surrounded and engulfed by a barrage of “Good job, good job!”, thus their apparent indifference to what was supposed to encourage and reward them. I saw no noticeable difference in this group’s behavior: they were pretty average when it came to being ‘good’ or ‘bad’. But what I did notice was a degree of lackluster in their manner and I also noticed how the “Good job, good job!” chirrupings slid right off them.

Pick up any guide to teaching your child to read, to make a pot holder, to ride a bike and you will see the injunctions “praise your child”, “don’t forget to give your child lots of praise”. But is praise really what is called for? Wouldn’t it be better to cultivate warm support and an attitude of friendly encouragement, thereby enabling the child to feel exhilaration at her own accomplishments?

It can be so patronizing to children to constantly verbalize praise at them: “What a great picture!... Oh, that’s so nice!... Awesome!...” Doesn’t it get to be a bit much? How does a child gauge degree of a job well done when he receives so much verbal praise. Instead, we can warmly receive what he’s done – but, for the most part, not praise, not judge. Children want to please their parents and I think that too much verbal praise undermines this by burying our approval under a mountain of phrases which, by their very volume, can become meaningless.

An example: your 8 year-old brings a picture to you that she’s just drawn. You say, “That’s great, honey – great job!” What, instead, would be the effect if you said, “You drew a castle!” (with warmth and enthusiasm, of course)? What is the difference between your praising what she’s done and your affirming what she’s done.

My feeling is that the latter method is more freeing for the child and makes her feel not judged for what she has produced but. rather, affirmed in her actions. “You finished the puzzle... Wow, you built that treehouse...” There is approval for the action but no judgment of the result. Therefore, if that treehouse looks like the next wind will take it down, one can then add, “Let’s make it a bit stronger” or similar. If you had said, “Good job!” it could seem contradictory to then point out improvements. Yet, since you are not praising the results but rather the activity, then the fact that the treehouse needs a few improvements does not lessen your approval.

I should add here that I’m certainly not against all praise – there are certainly times when it’s needed and appropriate to express one’s opinion about something a child’s done or to simply say how wonderful you think they are. It’s when praise becomes automatic and excessive that I think we err.

Children know when they have produced something that could be better. If every poem elicits the same, “Great, honey!”, then the final word rests with you. If you say, “Aha, you’ve written a poem about the rain”, the child can then say, “Yes, and I’m going to write an even better one next time” or whatever it is that she thinks about her work.

This isn’t to say that I think parents should be neutral in their actions or feelings about what their children do. Rather, I would say that the parent’s job is to demonstrate, to model expectations of behavior and action and then to expect (and help) the children to rise up to high levels. For instance, when teaching a child to knit, one produces good work oneself and both expects and helps the child to do his best as well. Had the teachers of the school group I mentioned at the beginning of this article extended themselves to provide models for the children to emulate, to show them how to do a ‘good job’ (rather than being cheerleaders), then the children’s response would surely have been to be more engaged and involved in what they were doing.

The point is that if the child’s work arises out of the human desire to do one’s best, then this is a healthier motivation than seeking praise or something like stars on a chart. If the satisfaction of a job well done is the primary reason why we do the best we can, then surely that helps us remain in touch with this positive side of human nature. If, on the other hand, we do things primarily for external rewards, then our connection with our ‘higher’ or ‘purer’ self is weakened.

So the onus is on us as parents, as the primary trendsetters of values and standards in our families, to have high standards, to not be sloppy or lackadaisical in our work or attitude. This is a tall order and not easily or quickly achieved for many of us. It is up to each of us to judge for ourselves when something is good enough – or when it is not. A maxim to live by might be “If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well”.

Sure, we’ll make mistakes and mess things up. That’s life – big deal. But there is a world of difference between an attitude which strives for good results and sometimes doesn’t quite get there, on the one hand, and an attitude which says “Who cares?” on the other. And, at the same time, one needs to guard against perfectionism. Replacing external rewards with an unrelenting inner voice which gives us no peace in its striving for unreal expectations is no better. As always, the middle way shows us the way of balance.

One last note... I haven’t mentioned age and should clarify that I’m basically thinking of children between about 3 and 12. Obviously there is a great difference in how one parents a 3 year-old or a 12 year-old but I think, given this understanding, my comments hold good. It’s another matter with teens... but that’s another article!

Raising Compassionate and Socially Aware Children

This article first appeared in the Homeschool Journey newsletter, November 2004

The following are excerpts from the keynote talks I gave in Fair Oaks, CA and Ann Arbor, MI at Waldorf in the Home conferences. The entire talk would be too long to reprint here (plus I strayed from my notes considerably – especially in California where I actually forgot my notes!) so I am simply reprinting chunks from it. I have left out most of the concrete examples so this does read a bit like a series of platitudes. Please indulge me in this – it was just too big a task for me to write this up properly yet I wanted to offer something to you all.

* * * * *

 The talk was entitled Creating World Citizens: Raising Compassionate and Socially Aware Children  and I began with the following quote from Rudolf Steiner:

Still something further is important: namely that we recognise in the human beings who are born today as children the inclination toward what must develop in the coming generations, and that we learn to educate prophetically. ThefFact that we must educate prophetically, that we must foresee what are to be the tasks of the next generation, this is of the greatest earnestness. This stands written in the world about us as a constant challenge.

 
I believe Waldorf education, whether in a school or at home, can help us raise children who have an ecological consciousness, who are concerned about questions of social justice, who have a strong sense for morals, and who can act out of compassion and clear thinking.

Our own actions, our own sense of right and wrong, our own search for purpose, is an important grounding for our children, one which, when they are little, can surround and nurture them. By thus helping them thrive in the certainty that this world is, indeed, a good place, one helps them be assured that it is a place they want to be part of. Later, when they are older, our certainty and our clarity in our own morals and opinions will provide strong forms for our teens to push against as they develop their own sense of right and wrong.

* * * * *

 I should add that homeschooling, in and of itself, is a very positive thing, an impulse toward freedom, an act which says to experts and governments, “I can do this myself”. This, aside from anything else we do, is a great example of freedom and self-initiative for our children to emulate.

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 How can Waldorf education and its foundation, anthroposophy, help us achieve our goals? First we need to understand that anthroposophy has as its basis two important aspects:

1) A spiritual basis: each of us carries a spark of the Divine. Each of us comes from the spiritual world, sojourns on this earth and will return again to the spiritual worlds. This process is repeated many times with the soul incarnating in different time periods, in different cultures and with a different consciousness. Anthroposophy works with questions of destiny and karma.

2) The idea of development: as the soul journeys and has experience, it develops. From one life to another the soul changes. And, critical to an understanding of Waldorf education, is the notion that each individual human soul is a mirror of the larger development of the human race as a whole. And, as each individual soul has partaken in this long journey, as humanity as a whole has changed and developed, so each of us as educators must ask ourselves the question, “Who is this child who stands before me and how can I help her to fulfill her destiny?”

* * * * *

 If we understand our journey to be a shared one, if we understand that the development of humanity finds its echoes in the soul of each human being, then we immediately experience history as our story, as a unified theme which can help us understand each child’s individual journey as well as gain insight into humanity’s journey.

Thus, when one tells the Old Testament stories to a nine year old child, to a Third Grader, one can see that this has not so much to do with the stories of Jewish or Christian religions, but rather that these stories, with their powerful themes of relationships to authority and to the Law, are the stories of all children of that age, irregardless of their religion, culture, nationality and so on. At 9 years old, when the child is separating somewhat from his parents, this is one of the main questions that prickles at his soul, “Who am I and who are you?” And these stories nourish the soul of the 9 year old, letting him see how others related to these very questions.

* * * * *

Waldorf is a way of educating children which can transcend national, cultural, religious and gender boundaries and speak to what lives in each human being. And further, because it is a form of soul education, it is uniquely able to speak to those souls who might live in bodies challenged by mental, emotional or physical disabilities or challenges. 

* * * * *

We want our children to be able to understand our immensely complex world; to be able to navigate and use the amazing technology which will have advanced to an extent unimaginable to many of us by the time our children are grown. We want them to think clear thoughts which are warmed by compassion and to thus act rightly in the world. 

Our goal is to produce whole adults, people who have developed their feeling life, their will, their thinking abilities. In order to do this, we can take as our motto ‘the right thing at the right time’ and know that adult ways of feeling, doing and thinking are not appropriate for children. Rather, we can work with an anthroposophical picture of how children grow and learn and how the child metamorphoses into the adult. 

* * * * *

In terms of developing whole thinking capacities, we can appreciate that the young child’s ways of thinking are very different from the adult’s and that only very gradually do the linear logical thought processes, which our society so values, become appropriate, rarely before age 12 or even later. By allowing the imaginative picture-making capacities of the young child to flourish we acknowledge that there are many ways of thinking available to human beings and, further, lay the foundation for these other, later ways of thinking. 

* * * * *

 We can help strengthen and form our children’s feeling life, helping them attain balance and attunement to their inner life. By working artistically, by helping them strive for something higher, by giving them stories full of upright and moral deeds done by good people, we help the child ennoble her emotional life. Without such conscious attention to the inner feeling life, the child can grow up as a victim to his emotions, to his sympathies and antipathies. Compassion is our goal – not sentimentality or emotionalism.

* * * * *

We can help the child develop her will forces by framing her life with healthy rhythms, especially in the first 7 year period. By instilling good habits, the child’s will forces gradually come under her conscious control. We further help her master her will forces as we give her opportunities to persevere, to be mindful, to bring attention to detail. Handwork, practicing a musical instrument, participation in household chores can all help with this.

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 By educating the whole child, by being mindful of her spiritual past and future, by seeing her personal biography as being connected to that of humanity as a whole, we can go far in creating socially conscious children with a strong sense of justice. If the stories of Japan, of the Netherlands, of Ghana, of the Sioux resonate so strongly in her soul that they are, indeed, her stories then we go far in instilling a brotherliness, a sense of comradeliness between our child and other peoples. And, if we have taken care to strengthen our child’s will, to develop his thinking and to bring a sense of balance and peace to his emotional life, then it is likely that our child will have the strength, ability and knowledge to be able to act effectively in the world. 

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Waldorf education helps us educate the whole child and helps the child feel connected to the earth and nature as well. By developing the child’s senses, by not dulling them with too much exposure to what is loud, synthetic, overstimulating, we help the child retain the kind of sensitivity which allows her to more fully explore and experience her world. By not rushing the child through her early years, through his all-important sense of oneness with nature and the world, by allowing him his dreamtime instead of hurrying to bring him into the adult world of information, one preserves a deep sense of connectedness and unity between the child and nature. And if one feels a connection to nature, how then could one grow up and exploit, destroy or otherwise treat as a commodity our home, our Earth?

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 There are, of course, no guarantees that a child will grow up to have this or that quality, ability or interest. But, as parents, we are in a good position to influence our children positively when we have at our disposal the vast pedagogical and therapeutic riches that Waldorf education has.

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 If we can hold a vision for our children out of our own inner certainty that the world is, indeed, a good, beautiful and truthful place to live; if, despite the obscene conflicts and horrors of our world, we know in our hearts and minds that understanding is possible, that compassion is possible and that right action is possible, then we stand the chance of our children growing up to be adults who take on these problems. Can we live with this truth of ‘the right thing at the right time’ so that our children grow to value process as much as goals, and to know that the end does not justify the means but is a reflection of the path taken?

Our hope is that our children will grow up and take up their life tasks with clear, heart-warmed thinking, that they will have the vision and ability to go beyond the tweedledee, tweedledum politics that is stagnating our communities, our country, our world. Our greatest hope for our children must be that, out of hope, out of faith in their fellow human beings, out of reverence for our blessed Earth, that they have the vision to create a more equitable, more free and more compassionate world.

Communication/Conversation

This article first appeared in the Homeschool Journey newsletter, March 2004

With horror I read an article entitled ‘Now You’re Talking: For more parents, communication with their kids is getting a lot easier, thanks to instant messaging’ in the St Paul Pioneer Press. I was saddened to see that this cheerful article was pointing to the “success” of a new form of communication with one’s children. I quote:

“Although it might seem lazy or silly to send electronic messages instead of getting out of the chair and walking into the next room, some psychologists say that technology within families can help break down the interpersonal barriers that prevent open communication.” (John Schwartz, Pioneer Press 2/3/04, reprinted from the New York Times)

How terribly sad that families have such poor communication that they have to rely on teletexts and such to talk to one another! I guess it would avoid the arguments about ‘what time are you coming home tonight’ to simply make arrangements via instant messaging (perhaps the youngsters could have some sort of bleeper devices attached to them which would sound persistently until they came home). But what is happening to us if we can’t meet soul to soul and listen and talk to one another?! This article mainly referred to teens - in my mind this is surely the most critical age to surround one’s child with warmth and human contact. Precisely because teens can be so prickly and difficult to talk to we must make every effort to do so! Deep inside they yearn for this. How abandoned they must feel if their parents have to resort to gadgets to communicate with them.

I think we have to be very aware of how we model to our young children the art of conversation and ways in which people communicate so that as they grow they can learn these vital skills. Conversation is the art of listening to another person, of meeting another soul and truly hearing what he or she has to say. It is the art of pausing before speaking, of not merely spouting out the first thing that comes into one’s head. It is a dance of giving and taking, receiving and offering. It is an important part of our humanity and a crucial gift to share with our children.

Certainly, we need to be age appropriate here, not thinking we can ‘converse’, as such, with our young children. For them, it’s the action of speaking that’s so important. This is why at times we must take what little ones say with a grain of salt: the activity of talking can be more important to them than the conveying of meaning! Part of our job as parents is to translate what our young children say and help form it by framing it in boundaries. By constantly questioning them, giving them choices they don’t need, we are encouraging the active principle of talking. By calmly giving them breakfast or telling them what we are going to do, we help them to listen and to channel their natural inclination to be active into proper outlets.

By teaching children how to listen, how to pause before speaking, how to be sensitive to others, we can start to initiate them into the art of conversation. Even quite young children can learn to respect the conversation of others, to not constantly interrupt or interject. By learning this lesson, the child also learns that she is not the center of the universe and that others have needs as well.

At the dinner table, we can set boundaries for conversation: everyone gets a say, everyone listens, no one makes fun or teases. It could also be that during part of the meal “Mom and Dad are talking now” and the children can listen. This may sound oppressively Victorian to some folks, but my feeling is that it helps children to learn to listen and it models adult conversation for them. It does, of course, need to be done gently, not harshly, and care should be taken that it is preceded by a time for everyone to share their news (especially if the dinner table is where Dad first makes his appearance after being at work all day), but I do think periods of adult conversation which exclude children is healthy. For those children, this could be an important opportunity for them to learn to control what they say and to strengthen their will forces.

Learning to listen is key to healthy family dynamics. Conversation is not the only way to strengthen this faculty: reading aloud, telling stories, reciting nursery rhymes, singing and playing musical instruments, all aid in developing listening skills.

And we also must learn to listen, to really hear into what our children are saying. The two or three year-old’s emphatic “No!” often has less to do with the situation at hand than with a dawning sense of self. With older children, declarations of “I hate her!” could be a way of expressing all sorts of things, ranging from “I wish she was my friend” to “She hurt my feelings” to “I’m too shy to speak to her”. We must listen into children’s talk and reframe what they say to help them communicate. The three year-old’s “No!” might be turned around with a joke or a smile or simply acknowledged by us saying “I know, I know. But it’s time to get into your car seat now.” And with the older child, we might say “Oh dear, you’re upset” and see what she says next.

What about the teenager, the one parents are driven to consider instant messaging, instead of conversing with? How is it that families get to the point that parents and children are such strangers that they can’t manage to talk to one another? My suspicion is that these situations usually arise when the years preceding have not been spent cultivating conversation, cultivating the give and take of speaking and listening.

Certainly, talking to teens can be difficult (talking to younger children rarely presents problems - indeed, it’s often the case of limiting endless conversation!) and one can sympathize with parents trying to find ways to do it. It’s obvious that by using instant messaging, parents seek to avoid confrontation. But in my experience, this is not the way to proceed and, indeed, it’s seeming success might be paving the way for deeper problems. How will these young people learn to communicate with another person? Who is modeling ways of overcoming difficulties and obstacles, of showing a way to reach out to another, hard as it may be? Teens need the soul warmth, the open heart and the open ear of their parents. They need us to be there and they need us to listen. Sometimes they need to hear our stories, anecdotes and advice - but if we’ve done our job up until now, they’ve got all that stored up inside of them. What they need, more often than not, is our strength and loving presence while they bounce their thoughts, ideas and troubles off us.

One really good way to create a space for teens to ‘talk off us’ is to share work with them. A friend of mine, a child psychologist, discovered early in his career that sitting across from one another, trying to talk, was a lousy way to actually get to what was bothering a child or teen. So he started taking them out of his office and working, doing things with them: mopping floors, washing windows, repairing things. And whilst working together, talk would flow. The child would feel freer to express himself and my friend would be able to help.

I have also spent many years working with children in gardens and on farms. Many of these children have been troubled, presenting challenging behavior. By working and doing, aside from the benefits of a sense of accomplishment, the focus is not directly on the child and she feels much more able to talk. Any parent who regularly washes the dishes or the car with their older child knows that this is when some of their most meaningful conversations happen.

Cultivating Perseverance

This article was first published in the Homeschool Journey newsletter, November 2003

As I struggle to write this newsletter, I am half listening to my husband and sons having their recorder lesson. My sons would rather not play recorder and Paul’s stores of patience often seem as though they’re about to empty out! But we had made a decision: the boys are going to learn to play recorder and Dad will give them lessons twice a week.

We feel that playing a musical instrument is an important part of a rich and well-rounded education. How lovely it is to play music together as a family and won’t it be a gift to the boys for them, as adults, to have a gift they can share with other people?

There are other important aspects to this. Playing an instrument such as a recorder helps the boys with coordination of sight, touch, breathing and rhythm. It strengthens their breathing and internal rhythms. And it requires that they listen to each other, playing together either as one voice or in harmonious parts.

Playing recorder also requires them to develop their capacities of perseverance, patience and dedication. At ages 10 and 12, heading rapidly toward adolescence, they need to learn to overcome their inertia and sluggishness, to stand straight without leaning on furniture, and to keep trying, trying and trying again to get the right note, the right phrase, the right beat. And not to give up.

“Don’t feel like it...Too much work...Too much hassle.” Don’t we all hear that little voice which whispers in our ear, beguiling us to give up, to forget about it, not to bother? Children have this too and a challenge to us as parents is to find that delicate balance between, on the one hand, helping them discover the strength of soul which enables them to persevere and, on the other hand, not being oppressive or making life one long dreary round of tasks.

So we choose our battles. We make careful decisions about commitments and responsibilities - a pet, joining the local soccer team, playing piano - and then we make parameters around that decision which must be adhered to. The dog must be fed and walked; the child must attend every soccer practice; the piano must be played every day for 15 minutes. Whatever seems reasonable, seems do-able and, most importantly, which stretches the child that little extra bit, so that he has to work a little, dig a little, to find the determination to live up to his responsibilities.

Guilt and shame have no part to play in this. It’s not about “but I spent $300 on that violin” or “your coach will be sad if you don’t go”. Rather it’s “you wanted to do this, we talked about what it would mean, now you must fulfill your responsibility.” If someone - or something - is depending upon the child (team-mates, an animal...) then we can impress upon him the fact that others are depending upon him (and this can be done without undue emotional pressure), that it’s not just a question of his own inclinations or whims.

Obviously, one has to be sensitive here and to both allow the child to have a sense of fulfilled duty and to not make it a life sentence! (Of course, our expectations need to be age appropriate: what we would expect of a 7 year-old is not the same as we would expect from a 10 or 15 year-old.) Maybe one season of soccer or two years of piano is enough. Maybe twice a week Mom or a sibling care for the dog. The point is not to kill love of music or to instill a fear that once a sport or activity is chosen that’s it! This would be counterproductive and could even produce a child fearful of new experiences.

Like so many aspects of parenting and educating, helping a child develop his inner capacities of determination and perseverance is subtle. It’s an ongoing process, one that needs little active encouragement when, for instance, one watches a baby learning to walk, but which does need cultivating as the child comes down more to earth, incarnates more fully, and has to exert more effort, more will to push against the matter which weighs him or her down, both physically and spiritually.

Our job as parents is to listen and observe carefully, to see what opportunities present themselves which will help our children learn to persevere and to help mold those opportunities, so that they can become positive learning experiences, not hindrances.